Exclusive Invention: The Jac-Uzi (a Jacuzzi with guns)

The Jac-Uzi
An ideal place to hide Uzis, no?

The Jacuzzi is one of those things most people don’t own, have a moderate interest in owning, but ultimately realise a shower or bath is just as effective. In layman terms, the Jacuzzi is a bath which has ADHD – it froths and boils and the bubbling lunacy makes it look like everyone in the thing has a severe bout of chronic flatulence.

Truth be told, however, when one is in a Jacuzzi, one is never more vulnerable. Half naked, damp, and exposed, the appearance of any hoodlums, zombies, or aliens would leave you no time to defend yourself. For shame! This is why we’ve invented the Jac-Uzi, which is your standard Jacuzzi with a bit of added firepower!


The Jac-Uzi does function like a standard Jacuzzi – you will be able to bathe in it at your leisure. Kick back and relax, meditate, light some candles, and take in the heady atmosphere of bubbles, warmth, and bubbling noises.

If, however, your reverie is suddenly shattered by the arrival of axe wielding maniacs screaming bloody murder, you can instantaneously seize hold of one of many uzis carefully stashed about the Jac-Uzi. Within seconds your assailants will be pumped full of lead and lying on the floor dead!

The Jac-Uzi is equipped with 30 uzi weapons which are stored in and around the product on holders. You’ll be able to grab one at a moment’s notice, as discussed, to ensure you have a stress-free Jacuzzi session. What could be better?!

Legal Waiver

During the testing of this product, we are legally obliged to warn you, there were several instances of accidental injury. One unfortunate man had his testicles blown clean from his body when his big toe jammed into one of the uzis stashed underwater. Oh well, it saves on vasectomy costs!

Other incidents included a head shot which would have made any Call of Duty player proud, a collapsed lung, severe haemorrhaging, several instances of high-pitched shrieking, and one man panicked and emptied the contents of his body everywhere. Other than this, the Jac-Uzi has been a rousing success!

It’s available in stores from February priced only £10,000 ($15,000) and comes equipped with extra bubbly water along with those automatic machine guns of doom. Just remember – a relaxing dip can never truly be relaxing unless you’re surrounded by instruments of death! So kick back, get fully loaded, and enjoy!


  1. I’m glad you’ve solved the age old problem of needing some defense as you lounge around in the Jacuzzi. One thing I’d request, how about a specific “In-law” feature, which provides you with a flask of acid, so you can injure, not kill them.


    • Arnold Schwarzenegger is not welcome to any of MY jacuzzi parties. The man was positively barbaric in that first Terminator film. What a rude, heartless, psychotic man! Disgusting behaviour.


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