Agony Aunt: “HELP! How do I get this fit bloke’s attention?!”

How do I get a guy's attention
A fit bloke.

Fit blokes, eh? Chris Hemsworth, Channing Tatum, Chandler Bing, and that fat one with the beard from the Hangover films. You got to appreciate the male form at times, even if it is wanton objectification, but it’s okay – it’s not sexist. Men are sub-human scum and deserve to be treated as such. How do we know? As we are men and we suck! But, if you have to hang around with one, how do you get its attention?

Fit Bloke

HIYA PMMM!!!! HELLLP! I'm trying to pull this fit bloke whose always on my bus in the morning. He's dreamy! So hot! I know fuck all about him but I know I want his babies and we'll be married forever and it'll be perfect and amazing and everyone will be totes jealous and everything. All I know about him is he likes rap music cos he gets on the bus and plays it at full volume from his phone. Some people try to tell him to stop or listen through earphones and he tells them to "FUCK OFF YA PIECE OF SHIT OR I BEAT YA!". God he's so confident and dreamy and sweat and I need to be with him what do I do? I've tried tarting up and wearing the most revealing hot pants possible but he's always looking at his phone. Should I wear more lipstick?!!?! Thanks - Stace

Hello, Stace. The human male is a complicated creature and it is best to approach him with caution. By the sounds of it, your male of the moment is fond of rap music, has a narcissistic personality disorder, ADHD, and anger management issues. Ask yourself this before pursuing him: “Is he good looking enough to nullify the belligerence and general unpleasantness he’ll inevitably put me through?” If he’s a total 10/10 hunkosaurous, we say go for it!

Attracting His Attention

As men are often occupied by football riots, drinking beer, and growing stubble, you may have to try a few unique tricks to get this dreamboat’s attention. Remember, your average male is violent and angry, so women must be subservient in order to quell his sense of superiority and tendency towards outbursts of psychosis.

It’s important you look your best, of course, so go all out on the “tarting” yourself up bit. So long as you’re drenched in makeup and can flutter your eyelids idiotically, you’re already halfway towards naming your first child 50 Cent Jnr. Our advice? Short skirt, short t-shirt, makeup, eyeliner, lipstick, and high heels.

Stagger onto the bus half drunk, approach him with your eyelids fluttering like a goddamn hummingbird, and drop a line such as: “‘Sup?!”. He’ll see you’re a damsel in distress and will realise it’s a great opportunity to “get in there”, as the male dating lexicon goes.

Making the Next Move

He’ll immediately ask you out for a meal (probably at McDonald’s, if he likes rap music), but you need to keep him keen. Turn up at least an hour late. Trust us, he’ll still be there with a flat coke and a whimpering expression on his face: “Why ain’t this biatch ‘ere?!”, he’ll be thinking.

Upon arrival, ignore the fact you are late and sit in moody, stony silence. When he tries to make conversation, respond with a curt: “Wotevs!” – after a while, he’ll be infuriated and brusquely ask: “Yo, biatch, wot da fuck is wrong wit you?!” At this point, shriek hysterically: “DON’T YOU DARE SUBJUGATE ME!” and burst into tears.

This melodrama will thrust your burgeoning relationship forward at great speed, making it feel like you’ve been together for, like, months or something. He’ll be so overwhelmed with misery and dissatisfaction he’ll have no other option but to continue dating you in disgust. We’re glad we could help, Stace; we hope 50 Cent Jnr. grows up to be a strapping hoodlum!


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