The UK was in turmoil again last night with the announcement from all leading sofa companies there will be no sofas to sell for a month of Sundays. Distraught middle-class citizens looking forward to a weekend of mindless consumerism were soon admitted to hospital for PTSD and fainting. One man, in outrage, even set fire to his home in protest.
The unelected Prime Minister, Theresa May, issued a press statement appealing for calm. When this failed miserably and panic mongering led to wanton robbery from typically law abiding citizens (possibly having watched that Gerard Butler film – no, not 300), martial law was announced and sofas were flown in across the Atlantic Ocean from America to quell the scenes of horror in the streets.
With such devastating news, the UK’s politicians moved quickly to restore some semblance of order. This morning, Theresa May issued the following statement to the gathered tabloid journalists she handpicked from the Sun for this scoop:
"For the love of God, no I will not take my top off you bloody perverts! Jesus Christ, this was a mistake. I should have gone for the Daily Mail, at least that lot aren't as obsessed with female nudity and they share my pervasive belief God will see us through these challenging times. Bloody hell, did you all just record me saying that?! Look, this isn't a time for polemics, I am simply attempting to clear up this great sofa tragedy. So, to the people of Great Britain I issue this statement which will clam... sorry, calm your anxiety - 5,000 sofas are being flown in from New York as I speak. They will pepper this storm of fewer seating opportunities until sofas are back in production once again. The needy will be placed first - whether you are a working class scumbag, middle-class, or superior upper class member of society, your income and general political leaning will greatly influence your chance of claiming one of our sofas. It is the democratic way. Thank you."
Although the Prime Minister was accused of blatant favouritism in the classes, right wing papers were quick to jump on the PC, loony lefty libtards who are always stuffing their opinions in about morality, being humane and decent into matters. Bloody leftists.
The spirit of WWII is in evidence today as many stiff upper lip Brits have taken to creating makeshift sofas out of everyday objects. It truly fills one with patriotic glory! Father of 12, Dave, a far right Brexit voter with a tattoo reading “Psycho” on his forehead, told Professional Moron:
"I don't need no ****in' sofa companies tellin' me they ain't go no ****in' sofas when they're ****in' chargin' too much! I may be on the ****in' dole and raking in £100,000 through the benefits system, but I'm ****in' sick of 'ard working foreign scum coming over 'ere and takin' our ****in' jobs and then 'ard workin' people like me can't buy a ****in' sofa! What's the world coming to?! We need to bring back hangin'! ****in' foreigners."
Dave fashioned an impressive sofa out of empty beer cans, leftover kebab dinners, and cushions he’d stolen from the house down the road. Upon sitting down on his sofa, it collapsed in on him and, with ketchup on his face, Dave roared in fury some more about foreigners.
With true British grit he reared himself and glued the sofa back together whilst taking time out to occasionally walk over to his kids to strike them for talking. It is a true example of what makes Britain Great – the population’s resolve and desire to make the best out of a bad situation. Goddammit, we’re so spiffed with patriotic pride we’re going to stop writing now and have a bloody good cry.