Cigarettes are great and all that, but smoked salmon is greater. Indeed, it does make one wish there was a way to combine the glorious taste of luxurious and regal smoked salmon with the putrid pungency of invasive, retch-inducing tobacco. Thankfully, Professional Moron is here to make the bad ideas happen!

Although we have a sneaking feeling we may have written this recipe before, we’re not going to mention it just to make sure we can get away with it*! So, if you want your salmon to feature the smoke of a dozen chesty cough, tobacco inhalers then this is the foodstuff for you – premium quality, reprehensible, and massively overpriced at only £100 ($200)!

Tobacco Smoked Salmon

Tobacco has a bad time of it in the press, but smoked salmon doesn’t. This is just the duplicitous nature of the mass media work, spearheaded by loony lefty libtards who don’t know their ankles from their elbows. The result is that tobacco is considered something of a nuisance, but smoked salmon is the absolute height of sophistication.

If anyone needs further proof that the denigration of tobacco is reaching full circle need only peer out of their nearest window. There you will see hunchbacked smokers standing in the freezing temperatures, puffing away with some semblance of pride, whilst indoors we have heinous social justice warriors stuffing their hypocritical faces with smoked salmon!

Duplicitous? We say “yes”, and for shame! This dichotomy at play is a disgrace to humanity! This is why we’ve invented tobacco smoked salmon, which smokers can eat indoors without the fear of being lambasted by leftist scumbags.

Production Values

To make tobacco smoked salmon, the salmon is placed in a room and a dozen smokers are told to stand in their room and blast through their customary 20 a day. After a week of this, the smoked salmon is thoroughly baked in tobacco stench and mould (the latter merely adds to the flavour).

After this, the smokers are released into the outside world and the tobacco smoked salmon is rushed by helicopter to the nearest socialite dinner party. Delighted toffs will then feast on the putrescence, cackling about how post-modern of them it is to do so.

The food itself is disgusting – like chewing on a limpid piece of bread which has been left in a bin for a solid month (but with a hint of salmon flavour and a large dose of tobacco). Think of this foodstuff as chewable tobacco, but you don’t need to spit into a spittoon. You’ll just be throwing up. Which is fun.

*NB: Make sure someone removes this note before publishing – we don’t want the cretins who read this blog to find out! Editor