For many, weight loss is a desire which is overwhelmed by the other desire to sit around stuffing crisps into your stupid face. Indeed, whilst Mr. Wapojif weighs some 35 stone and can only be moved by forklift truck, he feels he’s still a weight loss expert just waiting for the right time to shift those few extra pounds. Thusly, he gets didactic today to help another individual.

Weight

Hi there, guys! I'm looking to shift a stone before summer really takes off so I can strut my stuff and have all the girls gagging for it. I'm currently a reasonably unhealthy 18 stone but think a drop to 17 will get the muscles bulging through my hoodies. So what's the best way to do this? Normally I eat a full English breakfast followed by a McDonald's for lunch and fish and chips for dinner, with about 12 cans of coca cola along the way. I don't exercise much, but consider my lengthy spells on the toilet enough to shift a few pounds a week and keep me in shape. All extra help is appreciated, I'd like to shift this stone in a week so I can return to my favourite foods. Cheers - Steve

Hi, Steve. Well… all we can say is you’re one of the most messed up freaks of nature we’ve ever come across. One stone in a week? A physical impossibility! Try talking sense, man, and think logically! You need a regimented, strict, tedious, and boring diet to follow, so we’ve broken this down into easily manageable chunks so your idiotic brain can comprehend what’s required.

Diet

The only way to lose weight is to take in fewer calories than you take on. Thusly, to shred the pounds off, you’ll need to take on very little. For men, the average recommended daily intake of calories is 2,500. For you to complete your goal healthily, we suggest you drop that to 50 calories a day – this is about 12 sticks of celery. We hope you like celery!

Exercise

To ensure you lose a stone in one week, you’ll need to average about seven hours of physical exercise each day. We can recommend a mixture of cycling, running, walking, yodelling, and lifting heavy stuff. Naturally, being on only 50 calories a day, you’re going to get physically exhausted pretty quickly, so you’ll want to take a load of performance-enhancing drugs, such as EPO, to power through your fits of chronic exhaustion and achieve your slender new look.

Laxatives

Inhale these, almost literally. The more the better. It’s not proper food unless it’s leaving your body as rapidly as it’s entering, so have a potty available at all times. Politely explain to disgusted co-workers or family about why you’re being so disgusting and they’ll politely smile and, perhaps, clap in appreciation at your sterling efforts. The girl of your dreams may even swoon at your gentlemanly ways as you let rip and, courteously, apologise for your grotesque, highly unattractive behaviour.

Post-Diet

It’s important, to keep the pounds off, you don’t lapse back into dodgy old ways post-diet. A strict regime of 30 mile runs each morning will ensure you remain a healthy emaciated shape – shred all remaining fat and mucles right down to the bone so you resemble a stick insect.

We recommend turning to a pure celery diet, too, which isn’t as bland as it sounds: celery cake, celery soup, celery pudding, celery jam, celery pie, and celery are all great compliments for your diet and will keep you looking pallid, haggard, and gangly – we all know the birds dig that crap.