Exclusive Recipe: Potato Milk (like almond milk, but better)

Potato Milk
Great with your weetabix.

Almond milk is the friend of the Hipster and, whilst we’ve dallied with the stuff, we’ve since moved on to brown rice milk as we’re just so subversive. However, as regular milk (the stuff from cows) is now considered irrelevant in contemporary society, it’s time to come up with a few new varieties to cash in, make a few million, and then retire to live out our lives beating up tramps in Manchester city centre.

Bland is the key! We’re sick of the lovely taste of dairy free milk alternatives, so it’s about time someone invented one which made people go: “**** me, that’s bland! I’m going back to normal milk!” But what is normality, readers? Is it you sitting there scratching your backside and wondering whether you have any milk left in your fridge?! Exactly – so double up on long-life potato milk in the event of emergencies (nuclear apocalypse, heavy snow, tramps camping on your doorstep etc.). You’ll thank us later.

Potato Milk

Potatoes are great and pretty versatile – they make things such as chips, crisps, mashed potato, and roast potatoes. Typically, one would not boldly announce in one’s household: “Quite – now is the time to indulge in my breakfast cereal, replete with potato milk!” – this would go down badly with family members, your one night fling, or your pet cat.

Open their doors to potato perception. To make this stuff, you’ll need some potatoes. Any will do, just get a big old sack of them from your local supermarket and get an anvil from your anvil collection ready. If you don’t have an anvil, or an anvil collection (philistine!), then you’ll need to use something else crushingly heavy, such as a hammer.

Get your potatoes into a bowl (preferably not a glass one) and begin crushing them. You’ll find an anvil does this quite marvellously, creating at least half a tablespoon of potato juice to add to a mug. Now, you’ll want to aim for about a litre here so, as 56 tablespoons make for a litre, you’ll need around 120 (in case of potential dripping and leaking) potatoes to make a litre of potato milk. So it should only cost you about £70 ($100).

Pukka Potatoes!

Potato milk is bland and borderline disgusting alone, so you may want to spice it up a bit with an enormous knob (lol) of butter, 500g of sugar, and a jar of honey. However, if you want it bland then it doesn’t come any blander than with unsweetened potato milk! Pour it over your cornflakes, add it to your cup of tea, or gargle it before going to bed so you have bland dreams about potatoes growing and walls of paint drying.

There are a myriad of health benefits with potato milk, which range from helping to assist with not dying from dehydration, assisting the potato growing (i.e. farming) industry so that farmers don’t die from starvation, and you can use the crushed up potatoes to make loads of mashed potato. Which is pretty awesome.


  1. Anvil collection? I sold mine to afford the flamethrower and chainsaw I needed to try out some of your other recipes and food ideas. OH Woe!


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