Invention: Central Hooting (heating with brilliant sound effects)

Central Hooting
It’s a real hoot, we assure you.

Central heating is a modern marvel most people take for granted, forgetting for millennia humans had no such luxury and simply had to stand in their filth in order to try and keep warm. Now it’s much easier – at the flick of a switch your home can be filled with the lovely warmth of warmness and have a grand old time of it.

Truth be told, however, central heating is a bit boring. It’s not done much innovation since it was first introduced, so we’ve come along with the Central Hooting ZXV, the finalised version of our central heating unit which will heat your home whilst hooting pleasantly. What could be more wonderful than that? Why, only punching someone you hate really hard in the face!

Central Hooting

The beauty about central hooting is the hooting itself. You’ll be so distracted by the pleasant hooting noise, you’ll fail to notice the shoddy workmanship which went into the product. Yes, simply sit back and fail to notice the place heating up very much as the hooting noise continues relentlessly – glorious.

The authentic hooting noise (created by the Professional Moron staff standing in an enclosed room and pretending to be owls) is generated from an audio device within the central heating, which we can install in your home for a mere £500 – the contraption itself costs another mere £10,000.

Turn on your central hooting and your home will gradually swell with noxious gases and smoke as it judders to life. After this, the hooting will begin – pleasantly at first, as if Justin Bieber is serenading you underneath some mistletoe, before gathering momentum and eventually reaching the heights of Pavarotti arguing furiously with Brian Blessed.

If the noise becomes uncomfortable for you, you can go outside into your garden to get away from it (the sound takes at least 3 hours to wind down once the hooting has been turned off – hey, does a radiator immediately get cold when you switch it off?!). However, be grateful for the lingering heating effects as temperatures soar by at least one degree!

Noise Complaints

To avoid noise complaints from neighbours, you may wish to turn down the factory setting of 120 decibels (roughly the same as a thunderclap or a chainsaw revving psychotically). Do note, the lowest available setting is 100 decibels (the equivalent of a jackhammer) – we do this to avoid false advertising. Any lower and customers may complain the product isn’t doing what the marketing material suggested. We’re just covering our ass.

Of bigger concern should be the noxious gases the Central Hooting ZXV belches liberally into your home. You may want to crack open a window whenever your turn the hooting on, as well as wear facemasks, or a full hazmat suit to be on the safe side. Trust us – it’s worth it to hear the sweet sound of hooting!


    • Yeah, sorry about that. You’ll just have to start your anvil collection over again. I had 300 of them strewn about the place, so it was difficult parting with even one. It depends how much you like hooting, I guess.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Central Heating systems are both efficient and effective when designed and installed correctly—they are proven the world over as the best system possible. Because different fuel types have different costs depending on where you are, choice of fuel also impacts efficiency.


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