Exclusive Invention: Toilet Cloner (miles better than toilet cleaner)

Toilet Cloner
Banish this scene from your household!

Cleaning your toilet is a regular habit most of us don’t dread, but it’s certainly not on the same level of enjoyment as, for instance, chilling out for the evening with some popcorn and Netflix. We mean, you could try and combine the two by bringing your laptop into your bathroom, balancing it on top of the toilet, and cleaning your toilet whilst eating popcorn, but you might as well just go and swim in a sewer if you’re going to do that.

Thanks to our latest genius invention, toilet cloner, you’ll never have to clean a toilet again! Indeed, with our detailed understanding of complex dark matter, u-bend cells, and transmogrification, we can ensure your dirty old toilet is cloned into a sparkling new toilet at the drop of a shat (see what we did there?). Yes, it’s modern science at its finest. Huzzah!

Toilet Cloner

With our modest understanding of biotechnology, we knew DNA fragments from around the u-bend would be merged with toilet matter (i.e. porcelain). Using the Toilet Cloner #B device, we’re able to take a sample of toilet/bog DNA and insert it into the transmogrification contraption (which utilises dark matter to instantaneously harness potential energy through the second law of motion applied to the Pauli exclusion principle) to replicate your toilet. Hence – toilet cloner.

All you need to do is hand us £10,000 and we’ll give you a Toilet Cloner of your own. It’s the size of a fridge freezer and will sit pleasantly in your bathroom next to your toilet. The downside is it does emit an extremely loud humming noise. When in operation, it revs uncontrollably and kicks up a lot of thick, black smoke which smells like putrid excrement. It’s not a pleasant scene, but it does save you from getting onto your hands and knees to scrub your other toilet.

The Toilet Cloner #B unit takes about 20 minutes to churn out the replacement toilet, letting out a foghorn blast when it’s finished. You can then take the cloned toilet from the device, wrench the other one out of the way, and replace your shiny new toilet into its place. Huzzah! No more cleaning for you.

Disposing of Old Toilets

You’ll pretty rapidly find, of course, a rather large selection of disused toilets which you’ll need to get rid of. You’ll soon discover your garden simply isn’t big enough to keep digging it up and putting them in there, so you’ll have to get inventive. For £100 a toilet, we’ll help you get rid of them (we drive to Blackpool and tip them into the sea), but if you want to save a few quid then you’ll need to get inventive.

Our recommendation is to play knock-a-toilet-run. In this game, place your toilet on a homeowner’s doorstep, knock the door (or ring the bell), and then leg it with serious gusto. You’ll soon find your antics will be picked up by the local press and a “toilet bandit” will be acknowledged around town.

It’s at this stage you must ask yourself – is it worth risking going to jail, or facing a hefty fine, for your antics? Or should you simply embrace humility and give your toilet a good scrub once a week? We recommend you pay us the £10k and embrace modern technology – toilet cloner is the future!

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