Champagne is usually able to kick up pleasant thoughts of a successful occasion, with the bubble flowing, people laughing, pats on the back, and absolutely no severed limbs laying about the place or screams of bloody murder. Well, if you’re disappointed by this state of affairs then Professional Moron’s patented champain is the one for you!
Although champagne is famous for coming from the Champagne region of France, champain will become famous for coming from a suburb of Greater Manchester. It will also be famous for causing a lot of superfluous pain but then, you know, some people dig that apparently. This is why we’re charging £1,000 ($2,000) a bottle. Can’t hack those prices?! Go and get a bottle of Lambrini, you hack!
Champain functions as normal champagne does in that it’s a bubbly drink which will be useful for special occasions. Champagne is, traditionally, popped open at birthday parties, weddings, F1 races, Moon landings, graduations, barbecues, toilet opening ceremonies, when you’ve bought a really nice new mattress, when you want to forget about a bad mattress you’ve purchased, and if you’re fed up of bloody water.
Champain is different in that it inflicts some pain. The amount of pain you receive depends on the type of champain you purchase, which we’ve split into three junctures:
- Moderate discomfort – This make is akin to a slap in the face from a moderately outraged old aged pension (for instance, if you’d pushed before them in a queue)
- Discomfort – Like having a donkey tread on your feet and refuse to move
- Sweet bloody murder – Extremely painful, like accidentally knocking your head into a door, or something, so you have to stop for about 60 seconds cursing the day the human body invented pain in order to monitor the suitability of your local surroundings
We’ve named these types of champain as follows: Champain #1, Champain #2, and Champain #3. These could have been more inventive, we agree, but then sometimes we just can’t be bothered putting the effort in.
Dealing Out The Pain
What exactly deals out the old “ow” factor with champain? Not that we like giving away secret ingredients with our inventions and recipes, but legally we’re obliged to do so with this one in order to prevent pesky lawsuits and all that jazz. In short, it differs from the three bottles, but it’s a mixture of shampoo, nails, and long discarded matches.
With each bottle, nails are crafted into the glass so picking up the product is like taking on a hedgehog. Indeed, quite the challenge! We test ran the product in the Professional Moron office and found the only way to get the lid off the champain bottle was to shoot it off with a shotgun (although hacking at it with a sledgehammer is another great option. After this, you’re free to consume the delicious goodness within the bottle.
This is where the pain really ramps up! As you sip away at this drink in a champagne glass, thinking you’re all sophisticated, the long discarded matches will start clogging your gut, and the shampoo won’t sit very nicely with your innards either. Before you know it, you’ll be puking everywhere and cursing the day you read this site! Well, whatever, we’re not to blame and, indeed, casual observers will simply dismiss you as a cretin about to kick off a drunken football riot. So, handle this drink with care. It’ll be in stores in time for Christmas!