Agony Aunt: “HELP! My boyfriend has a fire extinguisher fetish!”

Fire extinguisher fetish
Yeah, work it, babe!

Sometimes some people date people which makes you wonder what on Earth is going on. Why, for instance, did Princess Leia and Han Solo get married? It’s, like, totally not going to work out, that was so obvious, and then they had a son, too, which led to all sorts of disastrous stuff and now Darth Vadar is, sort of, back and loads of guards keep having to use fire extinguishers to put out his temper tantrums. Well, it turns out some guys like that sort of thing.

Fire Extinguishers

Dear Professional Moron, I don't want to speak too loudly in case someone overhears me, but I have a very embarrassing problem with my boyfriend which makes me think I should execute the "boy" bit from that term and probably the "friend" section as well in order to distance myself from this person. You see, he likes fire extinguishers. I mean, he keeps them in our bed and makes it out to me this is what all other guys do, but then he talks in his sleep and it's, like: "Hot damn, you know how to put out a hot damn, you extinguishing piece of s***!", "If only you knew how much I want to use you on that moderate blaze over there, darling!", and "I can tell by your make you're not a foam dispenser, but dust... that is some hot s*** right there, you bastard!". It goes on like that all night and then in the morning he's all, "What are you on about? I don't like inaminate objects!" and he gets angry and blasts me with his nearest fire extinguisher. Any suggestions? Thanks - Vanessa

Hi, Vanessa. The human male can be prone to unusual interests and this can be unfathomable for the human female. What’s important to remember is whether he’s rich or good looking enough to wave such affairs off, as superficiality is the key to happiness in life. Remember, fire extinguishers are harmless and, indeed, this innocuous fetish could prove highly useful in the event of a major fire in your home. Perhaps, instead of being so self-centred, you should think about what he is doing for you. 

Feeding His Infatuation

It is our assertion he is merely acting out his masculine desire to protect his bird (i.e. you). Thusly, we suggest you facilitate his fire extinguisher needs by supplementing his need to have fire extinguishers around. In other words, we recommend you set fire to your property at regular intervals during the week.

Now, you may baulk at this. “Think of the cost… I want my bloody rental deposit back, Professional Moron!” – well, is the cost of that deposit the price you’re willing to pay for losing the love of your life?! Will that £500 get you a new man of your dreams, or will you be left to squander it all on ice cream and Friday nights in front of Netflix and episodes of Sex and the City? Or will you just be a woman and make the ultimate feminine statement – buying some fire extinguishers?

Supplementation

Now you have decided arson is the correct course of action, you’ll want to prop unstable candles, dodgy electrics, and open gas canisters around his home in order to ensure those fire extinguishers get regular use. Should you ever sway in your commitment, remind yourself of how unbelievably hot/rich he is and then those third-degree burns which just won’t bloody heal will seem all the more worthwhile.

Indeed, romantic evenings can be spent battling raging infernos within your property as The Door’s seminal hit Light My Fire blasts at full volume. What better scenario can you imagine than this to rekindle the flames of the faulty relationship which you are the perpetrator of? A trip to Bermuda? A holiday in Paris? A candlelit dinner in Denmark? Nonsense! Get a flamethrower and set fire to his settee. It’s the only way to show this man you care.

2 comments

  1. Actually, I have a couple of fire extinguishers that are quite…. appealing. They are red, have tags of approval of inspection and sit in convenient locations. Perhaps if Vanessa got a couple of her own, she wouldn’t need the dude anymore? Just a thought.

    • “Perhaps if Vanessa got a couple of her own, she wouldn’t need the dude anymore? Just a thought.” Hmmmm… I didn’t think about this when writing the above agony aunt post. It’s a bit weird really, in my new flat there’s just a fire alarm, so if my home goes up ablaze instead of challenging it with an extinguisher, one must call the fire dudes and then stand outside watching it all burn until they arrive. Guess I could boil a kettle and use that on it. Or get in the bath and fill it with cold water, like Tom Cruise in Minority Report. Or just have Tom Cruise around as my official fireman, which would be cool.

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