Agony Aunt: “HELP! Is my husband a robot?!”

Is my husband a robot?
God, he’s so gorgeous.

What would you do if it turned out the person you love the most is a robot? Laugh? Cry? Move to Bermuda? We know what we’d do – recycle them. As revenge. Anyway, touch wood, it hasn’t happened yet, but it apparently has happened to today’s damsel in distress and, my word, it’s the macho, macho men of Professional Moron who are here to save the day!

A Robot?!

Dear blog people. I am mortified to contemplate the fact my husband is a robot. Is this just mindless conjecture, you may wonder... no - I am truly petrified by his behaviour! What makes me think he's a robot? The stiff movements and the calculative way he approaches life (such as paying bills immediately instead of leaving it multiple weeks until red headed letters arrive, then add another week on top of that). Mainly it's the robotic way he grunts everything at me these days: "Yes, darling", "No, darling", "Okay, darling", "If you say so, darling", "Of course I'll buy that, darling", "You're the only one for me, darling" etc. etc. He has that lot on a cyclical loop and it's driving me CRAZY! He never says anything else! This morning I say, "Darling, I'm going to eat the lard in the fridge and then puke all over your ugly head" and he just went, "If you say so, darling". So I did. Now he's refusing to speak to me... what do I do to break this "Does Not Compute" moment? Thanks - Patricia

EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE! Lol! Roflmao! Just joking, Patricia, we’re taking your claim seriously, as we do with all of our Agony Aunt contestants. Rest assured, artificial intelligence is now at such a point we may be able to order robots to carry our groceries for us, which is essentially what your average husband or boyfriend exists for anyway, so we can see some horrifying accuracies in your statement. First up, though, how do you 100% definitively determine if he is a robot?

Robot Checks

The most obvious way is to tip a bucket of water over him and, if he implodes in a cacophonic hiss of electronic mayhem, then he was a robot. Unfortunately, this will also mean he’s malfunctioned and will be no longer usable. Double disaster, right? If he is a robot, you’ll at least want him around to carry your vegetables. Now, you may wonder if puking on him is enough to determine this but, unfortunately, it isn’t quite enough – you need to be more thorough.

From our experience (limited, admittedly), your best bet is to hack into his body with a meat cleaver to see if he is made up of wires, little flashing LED lights, and CPU chips. If he isn’t, then he isn’t a robot, but he will be screaming in agony and taking you to court in the months ahead. You don’t want this, so perhaps a better test would be to ask him questions such as: “Are you a robot, dear?” By robot law, he has to answer truthfully, thusly confirming your fears… or otherwise.

My Husband is a Robot

If he is a robot then you just need to look on the bright side. Robots are faithful companions and won’t do stupid things such as getting drunk and starting a football riot, forgetting your anniversary, or accidentally using your toothbrush instead of his own (“Dammit, man, I told you mine is with the pink central spine, and yours is the goddamn blue one!”). Perhaps treat all of this as an unexpected blessing upon your otherwise mundane existence.

Plus, you’ll be able to write a salacious autobiography about your experiences and sell your story to the press. Before you know it, they’ll be making a film about you (kind of like Blade Runner, but with more amorous groping) starring Kate Winslet as you and Leonardo DiCipario as your husband… so, like Titanic, but if Jack had survived by getting on that plank instead of making the robotic decision to stay in the water. What a subservient plank. Best of luck, cow Pat.

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