Cheese is great and everything but, you know, it stinks. It stinks like a man who has run a marathon a month ago and since not bothered bathing – seriously, he’s not even bothered trimming his beard or removing bits of beer froth from his eyebrows. How the Hell did the froth even end up there, Mark?! You putrid individual, you! No wonder you’re single, you mangled freak of nature.

Anyway, back to cheese. To be fair on the dairy product (not to be confused with a diary product), it’s not its fault; cheese is a human foodstuff made out of liquid from a lumbering land monster known as a cow. Cheese isn’t exactly good for you – it also stinks. However, if stink is what you’re after then rest assured! Our recipe, fetid cheese, is like feta cheese but it also creates the most unholy stench known to cheesedom. Huzzah!

Fetid Cheese

Think of smells you love: freshly cut grass, a new carpet in your home, a freshly baked loaf of bread, a summer morning dappled with dew drops from rain, perfume, soap, perfume and soap mixed together in a sort of stew, a leather sofa, leather, leather washed in soap, cake etc. You get the idea. They are good smells which make you happy – there’s not of that here!

Indeed, fetid cheese is, essentially, feta cheese but with the stench factor dialed on up. To achieve this, we used what is known as “wet dog” to ensure the smell reaches horrific proportions. The feta cheese is placed in a room and then 100 wet dogs, fresh from a dip in a local lake, are encouraged to frolic and rejoice amongst all of the cheese.

Naturally, quite a bit of it gets eaten by the cheeky doggies, who are all overjoyed by the abundance of cheese. However, to ensure some fetid cheese is left we then clear all the doggies out, scoop up the cheese, and process it all into packages where it is shipped to supermarkets – you can’t restrict your business by a lack of freshness.

State of Emergency

Our product, fetid cheese, was trial run at numerous stores across Manchester. What was immediately reported was customers fleeing the stores due to the overriding foul stench – this news was greeted by our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, with real joy. His whooping and shouts of delight could be heard outside in the street.

This was short-lived, however, as angry store owners began getting in touch and demanding why the product is so atrocious smelling. Mr. Wapojif had conned them into a trial contract, thankfully, so they are legally obliged to keep the fetid cheese on shelves for at least 30 days, although many of these business folks turned up at the Professional Moron office wielding crowbars, cricket bats, and a samurai sword in an attempt to get us to annul the contract.

It ain’t happening. The world needs fetid cheese. Granted, the moment you step into one of the stores you’re overwhelmed with nausea and face two choices: fight or flight. To promote our product, we decided to fight the stench and invited journalists to attend product launch day. Unfortunately, they were unable to print any news as they’d puked all over their devices and all notes were lost. Professional Moron is now facing damages lawsuits from multiple sources. We don’t get it, it’s just a bit of fetid cheese. Goddamn reprobates.