The UN has been on my case due to my appalling human rights record, so I’ve had to clean my act up to ensure there are fewer needless deaths in 2017. Last year, over 200 of my elves were obliterated in all manner of hilarious escapades but, apparently, this is unacceptable. To clean up my act, I’ve introduced a Workplace Accident Report Form which must be completed, signed, and handed into me – Santa. This has made for rather alarming reading, I must admit.
September – Accident Report Forms
I didn’t realise my workforce was exposed to quite so much chronic danger, which makes me concerned the UN will give me a right bollocking come my re-appraisal in October. As such, I was forced to update my on-site medical centre and hire a nurse, Doreen, who is a cantankerous old hag, but she knows her stuff and has been firing Santa up all week with narcotics. Anyway, the following are truncated reports from accidents at our factory over the last week. In respect of the fatalities, names haven’t been changed.
- Derek – Knocked his head against a lopsided Christmas tree and received a minor graze – friends suggested he should “check in to see if I could get a plaster”. Upon attending the on-site medical centre he was immediately transferred to the intensive care unit, strapped securely to a bed, and placed into a medically induced coma. We pray for his survival.
- Dave – Was blowing up a Christmas balloon but accidentally inhaled it into his body. Dave reported to the medical centre and was placed into a medically induced coma and operated upon by Doreen. He no longer has any limbs, but the balloon innocuously left his body as nature intended. He’ll be back to work next week.
- Don – Insisted he use the outside lavatory at 2am, although Santa has a strict policy forbidding this (indoor toilets are closed from 11pm onwards for sanitary purposes). Elves wishing to use the outside toilet do so at their own risk. Don, who was apparently a bit tired after his 27 hour straight shift, fell into the cess pit and sprained his ankle. Upon being stretchered to the medical centre, he was placed into a medically induced coma and washed down.
- Bob Smith – Does not work here. Is a delivery man from Bolton, England, who was reporting a consignment of paracetamol to our medical centre. Doreen insisted he “taste test” 2,000 paracetamol tablets. Bob refused. Bob was placed into a medically induced coma and had 2,001 (Doreen can be spiteful) paracetamol forced into his body via a suppository. It has been noted he has been pretty silent ever since.
- Doreen – Our nurse “accidentally” injected heroin into her right eyeball and performed impromptu open heart surgery on herself. This got as far as driving a butcher’s knife into her breastplate before reporting “a sense of terrible agony” (these were the notes she scrawled out in her own blood on the medical centre floor). We found her in a heap of blood at 5am and placed her into a medically induced coma.
- Jeff – Without a nurse on-site (a replacement will take a week to arrive), Santa’s elves were warned to be extra careful. Jeff did not heed this warning and was involved in a brutal accident with a 50 tonne crate containing 10,000 copies of 50 Shades of Gray. This landed on him at 4am and the end result was a lot of gray matter to clear up.
- Fred – “Forgot” to wear any clothes when trekking through the North Pole to the nearest shop for a “can of coke”. Froze to death 2 miles from the nearest Tesco after a heroic trek.
- Bill – Was caught stealing from Santa’s drinks cabinet and was demolished with a well aimed bazooka.
- Harry – Complained of a headache and followed Rudolph’s instructions to cut his head off with Santa’s chainsaw to examine his brain for lesions. Did not survive the decapitation.
- Henry – Was ordered to get an inebriated Santa unstuck from the factory chimney, but fell from the roof and was impaled on one of last year’s now bare Christmas trees. His corpse has been left to fester as a warning to others.
- Brian – After a 30 hour straight shift, Brian fell asleep at the wheel of his forklift truck and carelessly bulldozed through a factory wall before careering out into the wilderness of the North Pole. Was last heard roaring in his high-pitched voice “What the bloody hell?!” before disappearing into a colossal snowstorm. There’s hope he may be back in time for tea.
It is Santa’s utmost duty to improve this disastrous safety record. As such, I will be installing CCTV cameras into every available crevice of the premises in order to keep a beady eye on all activities of my employees at all times. The local press stated this to be the move of an autocratic totalitarian despot, but I say it is merely the behaviour of a kindly old man who is fed up of slipping over his employees’ entrails.