If you’re a man, you’ll be aware of the relentless pressure to be as manly as humanly possible. What are manly attributes that make one a man? You should know the drill: being hairy, getting drunk, starting fights, instigating football riots, leering at women, firing a weapon wildly into the air, picking your nose, having stupid big feet, and stinking of BO. All hearty attributes which the Professional Moron staff, being all men, subscribe to.
Being a manly man is full-time job, though, and it is our duty to pursue this endeavour with gusto. Thusly, new concepts are being invented all the time – machos is merely the latest recipe which will take your average manly man and turn him into an even greater, beefier, foul-smelling hunk of manly. Oh, and women can enjoy it as well, if they want. It’s not mandatory.
Why are men so obsessed with being manly? Well, because manly men rake in the babes! There’s nothing top totty dig more than a buff dude with rippling muscles and veins popping out of his forehead, which is something machos aims at exacerbating with a wicked combo of ingredients which will alter the chemical balance of a manly man’s body (for the better, of course).
Indeed, any man eager to munch heartily on this food will soon find themselves suffering a severe chemical imbalance. The key ingredient, which we’re legally obliged to inform you all (unfortunately), is our good old friend chemical grade bleach, with the additional and liberal inclusion of growth hormones, steroids, performance-enhancing drugs, ketamine, barbiturates, and an added sprinkle of paprika.
The paprika helps remove the harsh bitter taste left behind by the bleach – the aftertaste which will make you want to purge your system. Paprika? Blocks all of that out. Seriously, machos are delicious and, as this foodstuff product will be on sale from Q1 2018, expect to see disgustingly over-muscled men parading around as if they own the place.
If you’re not a manly man, by the way, this stuff will strip the genteel irrelevance out of your life. You’ll turn into, overnight, a maniacally strapping gentleman prone to bouts of colossal fury. So jacked will you become, in fact, your brawny physique will be able to march right through walls. How handy is that? Very!
Wachos (for women)
So women don’t feel left out of all this fun and games, we’ve also created wachos. These are like nachos, but they’re improved by coming with a FREE copy of our official 500 page guide on how to deal with the overabundance of overbearing, macho guys. Yes, never fear, with sly putdowns and witty asides, you’ll befuddle the men who dare come up to you and drop the classic: “Get your coat, love, you’ve pulled”.
The wachos aren’t for eating, incidentally, they’re to be used as a deterrent. When approached by a buff man, first you can place the wachos on the floor and see if this distracts him. Whilst he’s busy munching on the foodstuff, make your break for it to higher ground (the chemical imbalance ensures the men cannot climb up things – vertigo, you see). If the wachos fail, refer to the 500 page manual (we’ve called it “How to Deal with Knobheads”) and confuse the daylights out of him with rational debate and keen insights on life. Best of luck, ladies!