Agony Aunt: “HELP! Can you give me speed dating advice?”

Speed dating advice
The faster you go, the better chance you’ve got of grabbing a date.

Speed dating, not to be confused with spud dating (where potato enthusiasts try to get off with each other), or steed dating (the same as before, but with horses), is a form of dating where speed is of the essence. It has been noted racing drivers, such as Tom Cruise from Days of Thunder, are great at speed dating. The same goes for anyone who indulges in speed before going speed dating, but we don’t condone such behaviour at all.

Speed Dating

Hello. I am considering giving speed dating a go as then, you know, if the men I meet are chronic freaks of nature, at least they'll be out of my face sooner than normal. If your advice assists me, I shall send you a cheque for one pence. Kind regards, Maggie

Hi, Maggie! To succeed with speed dating, prep weeks in advance by doing things as quickly as possible. For instance, walk extra fast everywhere, speed with wanton lunacy in your vehicle, brush your teeth dead quick, cook everything on the highest possible setting, take ultra-fast showers, sleep as little as possible, and save time by cutting corners at work. This will ensure you’re in the speed dating frame of mind come speed dating day.

Prior to your speed dating session, down at least a dozen cans of Red Bull and drink one large cup of harsh black coffee upon arrival at the event. To up your fidgety nature, refuse to allow yourself a trip to the toilet, even if it feels like your kidneys are going to implode. Remember – the key to the man of your dream’s heart is through your bladder. You heard it here first.

How to Be Quick

If you’re naturally on the lethargic side of things, the above examples will be of little use to you. You need psychological assistance and, no, we don’t mean electric shock therapy – not just yet, anyway. For instance, you can simply watch the 1994 high concept hit film Speed, starring Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bollocks, and then pretend you also have to stay above, say, 2mph in order to avoid your brain from suffering a seizure.

You can try other speed increasing activities, such as sprinting at all times instead of walking (regardless of the situation – for instance, run around your supermarket barging everybody out of the way), talking really quickly, or smearing yourself with oil so you slide about at a marginally increased rate.

Remember to Slow Down

After you’ve babbled like a drugged up psychopath at a batch of hapless potential suitors, you’ll want to, naturally, settle on down to a more sedate way of life. The best way to do this after your speed dating frenzy (do note, some men may run screaming from you, particularly when you start frothing at the mouth and chanting Satanic verses) is to tie yourself to something for 24 hours.

It’ll be a long 24 hours of chronic withdrawal, involving manic braying, sweat, swearing, and swearing blind a large army of pink elephants is descending upon you. However, once you’re in the clear everything will slow down again and your existence will return to normal, plus potentially with a hot date! Speed dating – totally worth it.

6 comments

  1. That was a quick post! For some reason I feel like braying?
    Well, drop by for some fun on GLaM! I speed posted through 1000 & we’re have a party!
    Hmm, now I feel like trumpeting?

    Like

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