Great TV Shows That Never Were: Lassi (the Indian yoghurt drink)

A lassi yoghurt drink
Lassi taking time out on set.

Lassie was a TV show involving a dog that was, like, super, you know, useful. The show ran its course, but now we want to bring it back with Lassi, which is about the popular Indian yoghurt and spice based drink. As TV shows go, a series about a sentient yoghurt product is about as innovative as it can get!

It would follow the life of a sentient yoghurt drink called Lassi whom, growing up on a quiet farm in suburban America, dreams of bigger things. Thusly, the yoghurt moves to the big city to pursue a career in showbiz and the series would, subsequently, follow her adventures and misadventures in the world of open-casting auditions. What a show it would be – a landmark exploration of one plucky young yoghurt making it big.

Lassi

With her good looks and easy charm, Lassi quickly gets a bunch of sleazy men pushing her towards bit parts where she plays a, sort of, trollop. After several humiliating turns in credited roles, such as Yoghurt Man Slurps Outside Stadium and Lassi Being Made on Oprah, Lassi has a moment of crisis and contemplates turning to a career of sleaze.

Steeling herself by daring to dream big, Lassi rejects the male gaze and gets a forward thinking industry agent, played by Arnold Schwarzenegger, who is capable of (thanks to increasing public demands and interest in lassi drinks) landing Lassi bit parts in films shows such as Lassi Confidential as Russel Crowe’s love interest, the Silence of the Lassis, the Lassi Samurai, Fear and Lassis in Las Vegas, and Lassi Cake.

With her star power rising, Lassi makes a bold shift into TV shows alongside her film career, with star making roles in Lassi & Order and for the the BBC’s popular Lassis with Jools Holland live show. However, such success only came later in her career and this 10 series, 250+ show run would largely have involved her journey of self-discovery in a brutally competitive industry where only the finest tasting Lassis get the best gigs.

The Finest Episodes

No show is complete without some good episodes and some rubbish ones, so fans can go “Yeah, that one with Lassi punching the sleazeball was great, but the one with the mouldy milk marrying the cheese was just an insult to us fans. It’s like the writers don’t understand us anymore.” So, let us remember the very best moments from this amazing show, which never even existed:

  • Lassi auditions for a part in Game of Thrones, but is informed she is a yoghurt drink and not suitable for a role in the show. Enraged, she contacts BuzzFeed who kick up a fuss and this, eventually, lands her a bit part as an extra who is stabbed through the head with a sword in her one and only scene. This is considered a breakthrough for yoghurt-based actresses in the industry.
  • Agent Arnold Schwarzenegger lands Lassi an audition for the remake of obscure, 1984 spy adventure Lassiter. However, she’s turned down as the director believes “Lassiter starring Lassi” would confuse idiotic cinema-goers.
  • Lassi enrolls in acting classes where she meets a handsome strained Greek yoghurt by the name of Agathocles. Smitten, a romance soon blossoms until Lassi finds she is pregnant with curd. Worried it may affect her career, she has a controversial acidophiline. Furious and depressed, Agathocles begins dating cottage cheese on the side and, sadly, Lassi and her Greek hunk have to end their relationship in an acrimonious, bitter, and psychotic manner (i.e. screaming, swearing, and all that jazz).
  • The Emmy award-winning episode Viilification focuses on the Finnish mesophilic milk product Viili after Lassi heads to Finland for a well-earned break in series 9. Although the series is considered an unmitigated disaster by critics, this one episode still turns heads in a traumatic, poignant, and moving 30 minutes where Lassi ferments in her own dairy product in order to become a better yoghurt. We’ve never seen Mr. Wapojif cry so hard as with this episode – sure is a weepy!

20 comments

  1. Game of Thrones? Lassi could have killed in this series. They never gave her a chance!
    As a non-eating yogurt person, I see everyone has missed out on Lassi’s best quality, bacteria. Not only could Lassi have killed in the series, she could have killed the world.
    I hope Arnie reads this. He will see beyond the Untitled Terminator Reboot (in pre-production).

    Like

  2. Never watched Lassi, I think I just missed that show by a few years and now I’m content watching productive shows like Real Housewives of Atlanta. *preens because I know that’s admiration and pride in your eyes as you read this*
    Also, did you know that the snowflakes follow the direction of your mouse?

    So like if you move your mouse to the right of the page, the snowflakes will fall towards the right side of the screen. Vice versa.
    Seems to do the inverse in the actual blog post themselves though. Move them, they fall left.

    Not sure how it looks in the mobile view but it’s just grand on a computer screen!

    Liked by 1 person

Have some gibberish to dispense with?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s