Lassie was a TV show involving a dog that was, like, super, you know, useful. The show ran its course, but now we want to bring it back with Lassi, which is about the popular Indian yoghurt and spice based drink. As TV shows go, a series about a sentient yoghurt product is about as innovative as it can get!

It would follow the life of a sentient yoghurt drink called Lassi whom, growing up on a quiet farm in suburban America, dreams of bigger things. Thusly, the yoghurt moves to the big city to pursue a career in showbiz and the series would, subsequently, follow her adventures and misadventures in the world of open-casting auditions. What a show it would be – a landmark exploration of one plucky young yoghurt making it big.

Lassi

With her good looks and easy charm, Lassi quickly gets a bunch of sleazy men pushing her towards bit parts where she plays a, sort of, trollop. After several humiliating turns in credited roles, such as Yoghurt Man Slurps Outside Stadium and Lassi Being Made on Oprah, Lassi has a moment of crisis and contemplates turning to a career of sleaze.

Steeling herself by daring to dream big, Lassi rejects the male gaze and gets a forward thinking industry agent, played by Arnold Schwarzenegger, who is capable of (thanks to increasing public demands and interest in lassi drinks) landing Lassi bit parts in films shows such as Lassi Confidential as Russel Crowe’s love interest, the Silence of the Lassis, the Lassi Samurai, Fear and Lassis in Las Vegas, and Lassi Cake.

With her star power rising, Lassi makes a bold shift into TV shows alongside her film career, with star making roles in Lassi & Order and for the the BBC’s popular Lassis with Jools Holland live show. However, such success only came later in her career and this 10 series, 250+ show run would largely have involved her journey of self-discovery in a brutally competitive industry where only the finest tasting Lassis get the best gigs.

The Finest Episodes

No show is complete without some good episodes and some rubbish ones, so fans can go “Yeah, that one with Lassi punching the sleazeball was great, but the one with the mouldy milk marrying the cheese was just an insult to us fans. It’s like the writers don’t understand us anymore.” So, let us remember the very best moments from this amazing show, which never even existed:

• Lassi auditions for a part in Game of Thrones, but is informed she is a yoghurt drink and not suitable for a role in the show. Enraged, she contacts BuzzFeed who kick up a fuss and this, eventually, lands her a bit part as an extra who is stabbed through the head with a sword in her one and only scene. This is considered a breakthrough for yoghurt-based actresses in the industry.
• Agent Arnold Schwarzenegger lands Lassi an audition for the remake of obscure, 1984 spy adventure Lassiter. However, she’s turned down as the director believes “Lassiter starring Lassi” would confuse idiotic cinema-goers.
• Lassi enrolls in acting classes where she meets a handsome strained Greek yoghurt by the name of Agathocles. Smitten, a romance soon blossoms until Lassi finds she is pregnant with curd. Worried it may affect her career, she has a controversial acidophiline. Furious and depressed, Agathocles begins dating cottage cheese on the side and, sadly, Lassi and her Greek hunk have to end their relationship in an acrimonious, bitter, and psychotic manner (i.e. screaming, swearing, and all that jazz).
• The Emmy award-winning episode Viilification focuses on the Finnish mesophilic milk product Viili after Lassi heads to Finland for a well-earned break in series 9. Although the series is considered an unmitigated disaster by critics, this one episode still turns heads in a traumatic, poignant, and moving 30 minutes where Lassi ferments in her own dairy product in order to become a better yoghurt. We’ve never seen Mr. Wapojif cry so hard as with this episode – sure is a weepy!