Exclusive Recipe: The Ketchup Sandwich (ZOMG, we know!)

Ketchup sandwiches
Even bread is ecstatic to be involved in ketchup sandwiches.

We’re not really sure about the rest of the world, but in England ketchup is as British as the Queen of England, tea, drunken football riots, and complaining about stuff. Without ketchup, Britain simply wouldn’t exist. We Brits add it to everything – our cereal, tea, Christmas dinner, pies, pasties, cigarettes, beer, and whatever else takes our fancy.

Except sandwiches, for some reason. This would be considered highly inappropriate. “Why, exactly, would you add ketchup to a sandwich!?”, would be the general response. Brits are rather set in their ways and a colossal psychological upheaval like this would prove to be a serious obstacle to personal well-being. However, we’re no ordinary Brits, so we’ve invented the ketchup sandwich and, golly gosh, we’re ready to handle the backlash!

Ketchup Sandwich

There’s nothing fancy about this recipe, it just takes a bit of effort and you’ll be ready to roll. Get yourself some bread (brown, obviously, don’t you dare go near that white bread, mister!) and a bottle of ketchup. Put two pieces of brown bread on a plate and open the bottle of ketchup, then dump as much ketchup as you want all over the bread (we usually use the whole 400g tub to get a, sort of, chaotic scene going).

After this, add the second bit of bread on top of the other and, wahey, you’ve got yourself a ketchup sandwich! As you munch down for the first time, be prepared for ketchup to splatter all over the place, so if you’re at work when you’re eating this, do apologise to disgusted onlooking co-workers as you make a fool of yourself; ketchup slopping out onto your pants, tie, and shirt. You stupid git, but by Jove, is it tasty!

In effect, then, the ketchup sandwich isn’t progressive – it’s not in keeping with the dietary shift towards health, fitness, and fantabulous gourmet cuisine excellence, but what it will do is make you understand what it is to be British. You may retch uncontrollably upon first consumption, but after a month on this as your sole diet you’ll be ready to visit England. Well done, you!

What About Brown Sauce?

HP sauce, also known as brown sauce, is also popular in England, but causes a national divide which rages more intensely than the supporters of left or right wing politics. Containing tomatoes, molasses, dates, apples, tamarind, spices, and vinegar, brown sauce is a sauce which is brown. It tastes like eating marmite which has been marinated in vinegar and petrol.

It would be frowned upon to make a brown sauce sandwich and the concept terrifies even Professional Moron’s staff to its very core. Mr. Wapojif, our esteemed editor, is weeping quietly in the corner simply thinking about it. So don’t go there! Make the ketchup sandwich instead and be proud of yourself for your accomplishment.

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