Great Sayings Revisited: If the tables were burned…

If the tables are turned, or to turn the tables
Nice table. Shame you’re going to have to burn it to the ground.

To burn the tables, or if the tables were burned, is one of the most flagrant disregards for tables we’ve ever seen. What in the name of cripes does this even achieve? If you burn all the tables, then you don’t have a solid surface to work on. You’d be lounging about on the floor or, worse, on your toilet seat just to get some work done. This is, truly, a saying made by a philistine.

Also, burning tables is not only anti-social, but it’s arson. Plus, if you take this saying literally and set fire to your tables in your home, then you’ve really got a bit of a severe problem on your hands. So, today we’re here to admonish this idiotic saying and have it banished to the dustbin of history!

If the tables were burned…

To highlight the stupidity of this saying, we’re going to analyse what would happen should all of the tables in the world be incinerated. Frankly, we can only see two outcomes for if the tables were burned. Here’s a clue – it would be horrific. Here’s why:

  1. There wouldn’t be anywhere sensible to eat food
  2. There wouldn’t be anywhere sensible to work

Taking #1 as a starting point, it’s important to have the correct posture when stuffing your face with chips, hash browns, sausages, and bacon, otherwise you’re doing yourself a disservice. Without a table, you’d have to find some other seat to use. A toilet would work perfectly well (one could eat from one’s lap), but what about restaurants? They can’t very well ask customers to eat their divine luncheon in a toilet as the guy in the adjacent cubicle labours away under his irritable bowel syndrome. We foresee many a caustic review on Yelp due to such an occurrence.

Looking at #2, where would employees conduct their daily work? In the office toilets? That’s the only sensible solution we can think of, other than lying splat out prone across the floor like some bloody stoned hippy. What good would that do your spine? Well!? No good, that’s what.

In conclusion, whilst toilets are the short-term answer here, some other solid surface would be essential in order to conduct essential daily activities. A table would be perfect, but they’ve all been burned. As such, an indestructible table would be required. Perhaps one made out of led. We’ll get our thinking caps on for a solution.

The Dangers of Arson

All of the above doesn’t even factor in all the smoke, flames, charcoal, and rubble leftover from the table burning. What, exactly, is a local council supposed to do with all that lot? Also, should every person setting fire to a table be charged with arson? For the latter, we say a hearty “Yes!” – give ’em a 10 month sentence, the blaggards!

For the former, the council, well they’ll just have to raise taxes by 50% to cope with all the extra garbage. They’ll also need to hire more binmen. This will fuel the economy with extra work, lowering the unemployment rate. Additionally, it will support our new newspaper, The Bindependent, with fascinating news stories. Hmmm… so, it’s not all bad news, then.

14 comments

  1. A very heady article you have written here! Would that include burning fake wood tables? What about chrome and glass or arborite tables? My head is spinning. I can’t think. I need to table this idea for now!

    Liked by 1 person

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