Exclusive Invention: The Cabbage Boat (better than a banana boat)

Speed boat and a banana boat on the ocean
Now just imagine a giant cabbage and you’re all set!

The banana boat may seem like the best holiday interaction activity ever, but have you ever considered the bad reputation it provides to bananas?

The banana boat does not resemble a banana at all – the banana is curved. The banana boat is not curved, for it would be extremely hazardous in the water if this were the case. Like a plate of banoffee pie going water-skiing, or something.

Thusly, we’re proposing the cabbage boat as a fun and fabulous replacement!

Its naturally buoyant shape will keep the cabbage boat bobbing in the water, no matter the circumstances, whilst terrified holiday-goers cling to the side of the contraption in sheer desperation. Holidays are about to get a whole heaping load more fun!

The Perilous Joys of the Cabbage Boat

The concept of the banana boat must have been thought up in the mind of a banana-crazed maniac. The exact same crazed maniac who thought up 15 hit albums improved by adding cabbage to the name.

We should imagine initial incarnations featured an actual banana being attached to a speedboat. Then, perhaps, multiple bananas would have been trialled. These tests would have found the following issues:

  • A solitary banana is not big enough for numerous people to clamber onto
  • Multiple bananas are not big enough for numerous people to clamber onto
  • An inflatable banana may be more desirable

And lo, the banana boat was born! We had a similar thought pattern for the cabbage boat, which we trial ran along Manchester’s numerous canals as bemused onlookers watched.

Our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, was behind the wheel of the speedboat he’d stolen and, as he tore around with our apprentice gripping to the giant, inflatable cabbage, we got much local press attention and unwanted police interference.

Anyway, initial runs were successful and we’ve since opened up a Cabbage Boat store at Blackpool Pleasure Beach, if you want to come along and tear across the polluted, dank, and cold waters clinging for dear life to a giant inflated ball painted green.

It’s a bloody riot, mate! £10 a pop. The store is called Ride the Cabbage – feel free to drop on in (although, to be clear, the ride IS NOT FREE – you’re not freeloading off us).

Crazy Cabbages

With Mr. Wapojif behind the wheel doing speeds of up to 100mph across the icy cold water, this can cause the cabbage boat to catapult about the place rather alarmingly.

As such, clinging to the boat can be hard work. As such, we’ve come up with a few nifty ways to keep paying customers stuck to the cabbage – super glue has been the best received option so far.

We opened shop last week and there have been plenty of injuries so far, which is hilarious!

The best one was when Mr. Wapojif hurtles past Blackpool pier – the cabbage strayed too close and clobbered it one, knocking off one of the supporting struts and causing the whole thing to collapse into the water!

Only 100 people were standing on the thing at the time, so it’s not too bad.

There were only two dozen reported instances of hypothermia, plus one guy lost his fish and chips dinner and wasn’t best pleased. Oh well, mate, you should be eating cabbages anyway, not chips. Idiot.


  1. I don’t know about this one? Cabbages are heavy. I’ve never met a cabbage that could float. They sink like cement boots. Hey, why not market “Cabbage Boots”? I’m sure the Mafia and many other reputable organizations will bombard you with orders!


    • Think of it this way, Roger… sorry, Resa. The cabbages are cabbages. There’s a boat. The cabbages are… no, hang on, I’m confused. Which direction is the boat pointing? If it’s perpendicular, like the banana, then the cabbage has to be centrifugal to the equator. And… yes. So, the cabbage boat. Send me $4,000 and it’s yours!

      Liked by 1 person

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