Exclusive Recipe: Paint au Chocolat (better than pain au chocolat)

Paint
Is… is it edible?

Pain au Chocolat is a type of viennoiserie roll. It’s basically just bread with chocolate in it, but done in a way only the French can (i.e. it’s really bloody classy, tastes amazing, and is essentially the GOD of food). If the English had made it, Pain of Chocolate would have just been a block of Cadbury’s bargain bin chocolate between two slices of white bread with some margarine and, probably, ketchup or whatever. Stupid Brits.

Today, though, we’re getting artistic in only the way us Brits know how. No, we don’t mean downing one too many pints, dining on a 2am kebab, and hurling it all up on a pavement Jackson Pollock style. No. No, we mean we’re injecting some paint into your diet with the glorious, radiant, vivid, bold, and daring piece of artwork which you can also consume with gusto. It’s the…

Paint au Chocolat

These things are pretty easy to make, you just bake the Pain au Chocolat bit (or, to be lazy like we are, buy them at the local shop and pretend we made them) and then leave them to marinade overnight in a bucket of paint. You can vary colours, so if you want your Paint au Chocolate to be pink, we’ll insert it into pink paint for you. Huzzah, you big girl!

Of course, if you’re red blooded macho men like us here at the Professional Moron office, then you’ll want to select a colour regime which doesn’t threaten your sexuality. We can recommend a powerful dark black, the darkest black of them all, in order to impress women as you munch on your early morning breakfast at work. Nothing says “This man is virile!” more than a Paint au Chocolat as it dribbles all over your work clothes.

So, yeah, this product does have a tendency to leak all over the place. Rest assured, you can simply put your clothes through a thorough wash cycle. However, for best results consume the product in a manner which won’t get paint all over you – we favour placing the Paint au Chocolat on the floor and then clambering on down there to jam our stupid faces into it. Yeah, we don’t have much shame but, hey, we’re not the ones covered in paint, fool!

Toxicity Warning

For our recipe, we prefer the use of alkyd enamel paint which is, of course, heavily toxic. With colourants, chemical additives, and harsh metal oxides such as cadmium, iron, and maybe the occasional walnut (as we all know from that famous disclaimer, 99% of products are made in factories with nuts – what the Hell do they get up to in those places where a nut could enter even the most non-nutty product?!).

Not that we’re stating eating one of our products will cause certain death, what we are stating is eating a Paint au Chocolat will cause chronic stomach pain, nausea, and you’ll probably barf all over the place. Hey, at least you’ll be in line with us Brits on a 2am as we spew all over the sidewalk! Or pavement, whatever you want to call it. What do we care? We can barely see thanks to all of the paint we’ve been eating! 

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