Assam Tea with Vanilla: The Greatest Tea Tragedy of Our Time!

Assam Tea with Vanilla
Such a loss…

It is with much horror our long touted Assam Tea with Vanilla, our favourite tea in the world, has stopped production! Whether this is permanent or not is not currently known or unknown, but as soon as we found out our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, ordered the Professional Moron staff into a frenzy of journalistic endeavour the likes of which would make Spotlight blush through sheer embarrassment.

What has caused this state of affairs? We’ll get to that shortly, but in the meantime we must reiterate for the uninitiated what this product is: Assam tea with vanilla. Assam is a black tea with a strong, bitter, pungent quality. Vanilla is an ice cream which has to be melted down before being added to other products. With that sorted, let’s investigate!

Assam… but no vanilla

Assam tea with vanilla issue

As you can see, the issue here is the lack of ability to source ingredients. Let us put this into perspective – there are two ingredients within this product. These are as follows:

  1. Assam tea
  2. Vanilla

Now, we checked Clipper’s website and found a wild abundance of ordinary Assam tea (just minus the vanilla). Thusly, the troublesome product must be vanilla. The problem with this assessment is vanilla is about as copious as drunken chavs parading around in Manchester city centre.

Now, Manchester isn’t a hotbed of vanilla. It doesn’t grow on the trees here. Indeed, the trees of Manchester have long been stripped of everything by a relentless barrage of pollution and rain. So, what exactly is really going on here? Sourcing issue?! Evidently not – corporate lies. Greed. Corruption. That’s the issue here. That’s… the issue.


Having thought about this like grown ups (we wet the bed last night in frustration), the simple solutions seems to be: get some Assam tea, boil the Assam tea as normal, add a few drops of vanilla extract (or real vanilla) to the cup/pot of tea you have on the go. That’s it – a magical solution!

Despite this, we’re still a bit miffed out favourite tea is gone. We mean, we ranted about it with severe vebosity in our the Book of Tea review over on Moonshake Books (nice plug), but for what? BUT FOR WHAT!?!? Well, it’s over. The dream is over. But there is other tea out there… today signals a new dawn. We stand on the precipice of capricious badness, but we’ll ameliorate this with an urgency – we’re gonna go out there and find ourselves a new favourite tea. WHO’S WITH US?!


  1. I am not a big tea drinker and am not familiar with this particular tea. The whole things sounds very conspiratorial ( I do hope Trump is not involved) . I hope This is a temporary issue. Cheers.


  2. My deepest condolences! Perhaps the company is gearing up for the upcoming trade wars that a certain somebody in a certain country is about to launch! Let me know if you need any extra steel or aluminum!

    Liked by 1 person

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