Agony Aunt: “HELP! I’m a nice guy but no bird will go out with me!”

Man
A man, preparing to be nice.

Sometimes, all it takes is for one nice guy to spoil it for the rest of the other nice guys, forever tainting the “nice guy” notion. We have such an imbecile today, but we’re so dedicated to our cause of helping people, we’ve given him sound advice anyway. That’s nice of us, right?

Nice Guy

Dear Expert Moron, I'm a nice guy but I don't understand why no bird will go out with me. I mean, I'm a nice guy! I hold down a steady job as a freelance shed builder, but I'm a nice guy and not a heartless garage building type (THOSE BASTARDS!!!). Birds don't seem to get this. I mean, I went on online dating and started telling all the birds how nice I am. I got few responses. Determined to prove my niceness, I donated a kidney to the local kidney bean factory. I did it myself and everything with a scalpel and bottle of vodka (the vodka to take the searing pain away, not to operate). Extracted the ****er out, blood spraying everywhere, me screaming the flat down in agony... I even went to the factory to donate my kidney in person, covered in blood, drooling, and rambling about octopuses. Anyway, it turns out kidney beans aren't anything about that and I've lost a perfectly good kidney for no reason. But... I'm a nice guy!!! What can I do to get the birds hurling themselves at me? Cheers! Derek

Hi, Derek. Well, extracting essential organs from your body with sharp instruments isn’t advisable. In future, if you need to remove any other organs, please refer to your nearest black market surgery service for assistance. They’ll have better equipment, such as a chainsaw, in order to successfully incomplete the operation.

However, we feel you’re succumbing to “nice guy” syndrome, whereby you’re enacting acts of extreme lunacy in order to slake some perverted notion of copulation related possibilities. Indeed, to be “nice”, one doesn’t necessarily need to be “nice” – by this we mean it depends on the “bird” you’re trying to chat up.

Niceness is subjective. If you want to punch an old man in the face, we’re pretty sure there’s someone stupid enough on the planet who’d consider this really lovely behaviour. If you want to serenade your “bird” in an ancient forest as Burt Bacharach croons away, this may make the woman vomit in disgust. Do you see?

“Not really, no…”

Jesus Christ, these goddamn halfwits who read our b… we mean, we think you’re overstating your niceness, Derek. Niceties are fine in moderation, but you have to also respect deranged displays of psychotic violence. Thusly, we can recommend you attend future dates with either the remnants of your self-operated kidney, a shotgun, or some glue. If the “bird” asks you why you have some glue, just tell her in a high-pitched shriek, “It’s just some glue!“.

Glue isn’t attractive to all women, of course (particularly women who hate glue), so maybe turn up with some staplers or blu-tack. What we’re getting at is your average “bird” is a complex “bird” and “nice guy” behaviour “isn’t” necessarily the “right” thing to “do”. That was a lot of hard work, Derek, we hope you appreciate it.

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