With the population explosion comes the need to stuff the excess mass of human beings into increasingly smaller flats. By 2030, your average working human will live in a 10ft by 10ft box with all mod cons included – these flats will cost £2,000 per month. As such, with a dwindling space comes the need to fit all that stuff in! Thusly, we’ve invented the wall bath, a happy-go-lucky shower alternative which is built into a wall.

You could ask yourself, “Well, why not just build a shower unit?” – well, sir or madam, a shower unit would actually take up a few metric centimetres more than what we’re proposing. Plus, sometimes one just wants to wallow in a bath and bath for a bit, which is exactly what the wall bath will allow flat dwellers to do. Hurrah!

The Wall Bath

This thing is easy to erect. First off, a cavity (“space”, for you laypeople) must be indented into a wall of your choice. The slimline bathtub is then inserted, in the manner one would insert a plug into a wall, straight into your wall at a vertical angle. The plugs aim downwards and there is a plastic partition on the front of the tub to ensure the water stays put.

As the wall bath owner, whenever you want to bathe you simply strip naked, run the bath water, then clamber up the ladder installed in your wall next to the tub, and clamber on in. We assure you, vertical baths are the best. However, to ensure you don’t submerge down into the water and drown to death, we’ve created a handy “hair connector” which can be attached to your hair – the length of wire runs from your ceiling and keeps you in place. If you’re bald, you’ll just have to make do some other way.

Naturally, if you have visitors you’ll have to refrain from using the wall bath (unless they don’t mind you up there whilst they watch TV… we just think it might be a bit awkward). Additionally, you’ll soon find scum and mould will formulate rapidly within the bathing unit, forcing a foul stench throughout your property. Consequently, read on below for tips on how to maintain a minty fresh smell.

Cleaning Your Wall Bath

One of the great difficulties with this product is keeping it clean. Our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapoijif, tested it by clambering in head first – he got stuck. The rest of the staff had to yank him out by his feet, but the partition broke and we all fell back in a heap on the floor. “Fiddlesticks!” shouted Mr. Wapojif, “What is the meaning of this?! There must be a better way!” – naturally, there is.

Now, before you go “Cripes, it’s going to be ‘there good old friend chemical grade bleach again!” you’d be wrong on this occasion. Indeed, the solution is to build a shower unit next to the wall bath (such as the sink shower, which would save extra space!) so you can shower yourself clean, and then clamber into your wall bath to enjoy your bath as a clean human being. A simple, logical, and perfect solution. Order yours today!