Agony Aunt: “HELP! How do I find out if my wife is a witch?”

Witch on a broom
It’s a witch.

Whilst it may be commonplace knowledge witches aren’t real, some men will argue the opposite. But, what is a witch? Well, it’s a woman believed to have magical powers – generally, witches are considered to be evil, weird, and fond of big pointy black hats. With such powers in evidence, how do they hold sway over suspicious males? Well, by hiding their witchiness, that’s how. But, one clever man bloke is onto his bird’s game!

She’s a Witch!

Greetings, fellow men! Perchance, could you help me with a contemporaneous issue relating to anachronistic considerations? I believe my bird to be a witch! She's my fiancée. Should I still engage with the marital ceremony? I have obtained evidence in abundance of her witch-based activities. Behold: cackling maniacally (particularly with her friends on a Friday night after a glass of wine), wearing hats (admittedly, not the traditional witch-based kind), shrieking hysterically (again, that Friday night thing - they must all be plotting despicable acts!), an enjoyment of cooking (I keep an eye out for if she uses arbitrary eyeballs, but so far nothing from the sneaky wench!), and she likes Macbeth (it's full of witches!). I am onto her game! Am I? Yours, Charles

Hello, Charles! Thank goodness you contacted us. Your bird is but a stones throw away from becoming an evil fiend. As we all know – first she’s a witch, then she’s a bitch! To save your inferior other, you’ll need to watch 1993 comedy horror fantasy Hocus Pocus, starring a pre-fame Sarah Jessica Parker, plus Bette Midler, and Kathy Nijimy. You’ll get essential witch tips from this film – study other women, especially your bird, to see if there are analogous behaviours.

Based on your observations, however, the sad news is she’s already well on her way (to being a witch-bitch). She may not be wearing traditional witch-based hats, but witch hat wearing begins with normal hats, before taking the deleterious downward slope into full witch hats. It’s an unstoppable process, sadly. To prove our point, here are some other noteworthy points of discussion.

Proven Witch Facts

  • Being a witch is illegal
  • Being a witch isn’t allowed as it’s naughty (reiterating the first point, there)
  • Witches can turn men into frogs – any frog you ever come across, that was once a handsome man. Offer your sympathies to any frog you ever come across.
  • Witches can fly, but they often don’t as this would give the game away
  • It’s unknown how many witches are in the world, but reliable guesstimates rest at probably around 87% of women on Earth

Curing Your Witch

Effective techniques for identifying witches include asking women, “Excuse me, miss, are you a witch?”. However, due to clever tactics, such as moral ambiguity (i.e. lying), it means this approach isn’t always 100% effective. This has led to various other methods becoming available to flush out witches in order to purify society (please excuse the upcoming witch scene references from Monty Python and the Holy Grail).

  • Itchy Witch: Do you see a female woman openly itching herself? Itch is analogous to witch. This means… she’s a witch!
  • Mitch: Does she know somebody called Mitch? Burn her anyway!
  • Ditch: She lives in a ditch, you say? Burn her!!!
  • Rich: What… she’s wealthy? Then she must be a witch! Throw her into the pond!

Okay, so you get our point. As irrational as the above methods are, we believe they’re the ideal ways to flush out the inner witch from your bitch. Best of luck, Charles. Remember, should your plan go off without a hitch, and you know someone called Mitch, but he doesn’t live in a ditch, then turn off your nearest light switch. It’s an old wive’s tale, that one, but it’s better than an old wive’s tail, non?


  1. One must kiss all frogs they come across, offering sympathies is not the answer Auntie, I’m very disappointed in you. I personally have kissed many a frog only to find that he is indeed a frog. Thank you for addressing this issue.


  2. I think another clue would be if you find her in possession of a golden snitch, or if she is at a game of Quidditch.

    Can’t believe you missed those, actually.


    • I didn’t miss them. A witch had put a curse on me. So I couldn’t think of the specific issue raised there. So as we see, witches are to blame again. Bwahaha etc. 🧙‍♀️


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