FAQs: Bread – What Is The Stuff & What Does It Do?

Bread
Bread.

Okay, we’re tying out a new category today to see how it goes. FAQs (frequently asked questions, if you will… it’s just easier to type the other one, you know?) about certain things from around the world. With the inaugural post, we’re trying out bread. We’re aware some of you may have pertinent questions about this product of water and flour, so hold onto your bread baskets and let’s see what this stuff is all about.

What is bread?

Bread is a sponge-like substance made from natural produce (better known as “Earth stuff”) that typically slakes a human being’s hunger. It is available in brown and white varieties. It can lead to bloating, but many sacrifice themselves to uncomfortable bowel functioning in order to enjoy foodstuffs such as sandwiches.

Why isn’t it called pread?

As that isn’t a word.

What are its uses?

Food, mainly. It can also… well, really, you could use it as a murder weapon, if the bread goes stale enough. Oh yes, you can feed it to ducks, too! That’s a bit less sadistic.

Why does bread go stale?

It’s debated what causes this scenario, but the most common cause for stale bread is likely Stallone (as in Sylvester Stallone, the Hollywood action hero). Once Stallone leaves this planet, his offsetting presence will end and bread will no longer go stale.

Why do ducks like bread?

We don’t know, we’re not ducks. Best guess – the ducks are hungry.

Why is bread featured so prominently in the bible?

Bread has been around for many decades and, due to this, in biblical times it was invented to offset the number of “beard” typos occurring in popular literature of the day. Unfortunately, this proliferated much confusion between what constituted a beard or some bread (as they were often the same colour).

Do beards still get mistaken for bread?

By some people, yes. These people are known as “imbeciles”.

How long does it take to bake a loaf?

About 35 hours over a naked flame. It comes out a bit charred. Best just go to a shop to get it.

Can I use bread as part of my flirting routine?

Absolutely! Dames go crazy for men with bread (it doesn’t work vice versa). To make the birds go gooey at the knees, try on this chat up line for size: “Hey bready, what you bakin’? I think you should crumb here and knead my dough, you fermenting sponge. I’ll take you on a date and buy you some fresh flour… wholemeal, bready.”

Can I die if I eat too much bread?

Probably, although “death by bread” isn’t as common as other common fatalities, such as the common cold.

Should I eat brown or white bread?

As white bread is the work of Satan, it’s recommended you choose the wholemeal alternative.

How do I make crusty bread?

Use a flamethrower.

How should I store bread?

We usually leave bread lying around on the floor, but that’s our preference. Our kitchen work surface is often occupied with crates of nuclear waste, discarded inventions, and our office apprentice’s unconscious body.

Is bread healthy?

It’s better than an axe to the skull, that’s for sure.

What is the difference between sprouted flour and sprouted pulp?

The difference is differential.

What’s sourdough?

It’s bread that suffers from bipolar disorder.

What do you think is the future of bread?

Technology will, no doubt, play its part. Expect smartbread to emerge – it will be able to bake itself, ship itself to a local store, and self-promote on supermarket shelves with clever social media marketing campaigns aimed at those who are desperate for bread type foodstuffs, or just a bit peckish.

For example: “Don’t end up dead, buy some bread!” or “Bready or not, here I crumb!” etc. Additionally, it’ll be capable of granular marketing campaigns to target individuals by name or other fundamental prejudices: “Buy some bread, Fred!” or “Hey red [said towards any redheaded shoppers], use me to get fed!” etc.

7 comments

    • I think it’s a subtle insult, as it has “oaf” in there. So you go to your local shop and say, “Can I have a loaf, please?” and you’re really calling the shop owner an oaf. Which is cool.

      Liked by 1 person

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