FAQs: What are lollipops and why do they have to exist?

Lollipops
Lollies.

After the success of our inaugural didactic FAQs session (FAQs: Bread) last week, we’ve decided (for now, at least) to do another FAQs session. This one is, seeing as it’s summer, about lollipops. Therefore, this post should prove useful for those who want to know more about lollipops. For those of you already satisfied with your lollipop knowledge, we suggest you do something more constructive with your time than reading this post.

What are lollipops?

Lollies are elongated sticks of sugar designed to help make people morbidly obese. They come in candy and ice lolly formats. Other types received trial runs, such as dollipops (lollipops made from discarded dolls). Following disturbing complaints about dolls’ eyes glaring back with bleak dissatisfaction from within the lollipop, manufacturers stopped this practice.

Who enjoys lollipops?

Essentially, they’re for all ages. There’s nothing to stop a 101 year old from indulging in a lollipop, but the foodstuff is more commonly associated with children (especially young children, as opposed to old children, or man babies who never grew up), teenagers, people during a heatwave, and certain species of antelope.

Will lollipops bring about the end of the human race?

It’s an exaggeration to suggest this could happen. However, we’re open to all possibilities when it comes to doomsday, so wouldn’t bet against some sort of lollipop apocalypse (what would be called a lollipocalypse).

Do lollipops adversely affect sociopolitical discourse?

Not unless someone, in the midst of a polemical rant, begins choking to death on one.

“Lollipop” – Why do they have such a childish name?

It’s likely a marketing gimmick to make them sound more appetising and family-friendly. If, for instance, lollipops were renamed “rabies”, “seeping wound”, or “gangrenous infection”, we should imagine lolly sales would plummet.

Okay… is it possible to get rabies from lollipops?

No.

No, as in not yes?

Yes, as in no.

What’s the difference between lollipops and ice cream?

Ice cream has more ice in it.

What’s with the “pop” bit in lollipops?

Early lollipops included explosive ingredients, such as TNT, as a marketing gimmick, but as customers kept getting blown to smithereens this was deemed a bad business practice and stopped.

Why am I always attacked by bees and wasps when I eat a lollipop?

Bees and wasps are jealous. As insects, they don’t get to eat sugary produce, so have taken to assaulting humans out of frustration. Should this happen to you, politely request the flying creature to desist from its belligerent actions. Should it refuse, call the police.

Is that legal?

Is what legal?

To call the police due to bees, Wasps, and Lollipops?

Perfectly legal. In England, for instance, the Bees, Wasps, & Lollipops Act 2010 stipulates that no bees or wasps should attack a lollipop consumer before, or after, the act of eating a lollipop. This is on pain of the insect losing its flower harvesting rights.

How did the bee and wasp community react to the act?

With much buzzing.

Are any other animals banned from interacting with lollipop consuming humans?

The act also contains a stipulation indicating great white sharks should refrain from troubling any humans with lollipops. However, due to the negligible ratio of time your average human spends around sharks, we wouldn’t concern yourself with such creatures.

Are there any laws surrounding the human consumption of lollipops?

Yes, lollipop consumption is legal.

What activities aren’t legal to humans?

Snorting cocaine through your eyeballs at work whilst butt naked.

Do cocaine lollipops exist?

Unlikely.

What’s the main ingredient in lollipops?

Sugar.

Finally, Would it be possible to make a lollipop out of cement?

If there’s plenty of sugar in the cement, it should negate the foul taste of cement. However, marketing cement lollipops may prove difficult.

Why?

As cement isn’t a particularly attractive ingredient for most human beings.

Isn’t that sexist?

No.

11 comments

  1. Lollipops exist so you can lick something when you’re not in the mood to be cheeky and also so that you can flavor your own spit. Also I know a guy who knows a guy who assured me that cocaine lollipops do indeed exist; however, you should not consume them through your eyeballs.

    Liked by 1 person

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