A man from Lancashire drove his ice cream van off a cliff yesterday in protest – it is currently not known what of and, since he is now dead, it remains difficult to determine further details. In a statement on his official blog published on the same day, Mr. Ice Cream Van Man stated he wished to “prove a point” about: “Ice cream, vans, summer, cliffs, and mud sediment – **** the lot of them!”.
Whilst his remains were scooped out of the Earth and his flattened van broken in two (like a banana split) and packed off to a recycling centre, questions were, once again, being asked about the role of ice cream vans in local communities. Local chip shop owner, Fred Smith, told us: “Them ice cream van men is evil. Fish and chips is what you need. You come get tasty fish and chippies. Come on. Only £10 with mushy peas. Come on. I’ll throw in a pot of curry gravy.” We declined his offer.
In an exclusive interview with his apprentice (who wished to remain nameless), we were able to determine Dave Smith (aka Mr. Ice Cream Van Man) had been suffering from scurvy due to subsisting on a diet of “ice cream, ice cream cones, and whipped cream.” It is believed this could have fueled his unusual behaviour. The apprentice added: “I think his brain froze like a frozen yoghurt and once that happened he’d had enough of ice cream. So I think him obliterating himself like this is a defiant act against cold foods. Innit.”
Local town mayor, Mr. Murray Murrayson, told us: “I love a good dollop of ice cream as much as the next fat bastard, but there comes a limit [to the amount of ice cream one can consume before going insane]. I think what we’ve seen ‘ere is just ‘ow deadly ice cream can be. Now Dave Smith is creamed. May God have mercy on his morbidly obese soul.”
Questions persist over the nature of Mr. Ice Cream Van Man’s martyrdom. “I think he were just a bit like that. You know… mental! I always thought he was a waste of space, that ‘un.” said his mother, Doreen (88). His brother, Jeff (72), initially refused to comment, but then changed his mind, before refusing again, but then asked for payment for a quote. We told him to get stuffed.
It later emerged Mr. Ice Cream Van Man owed 3,000 ice cream cones to a rival after he “borrowed” them. This debt had been weighing on his mind like a giant ice cream anchor, claims his ex-wife, Deirdre: “He were a good soul. But them cones wasn’t going to pay for themselves. When ‘is rival went to t’ local crime lord, that’s when ‘e started gettin’ empty cans of whipped cream in t’ post… that’s when you know your time is up.”
Just as we went to press, it also emerged Dave Smith colluded with Fred Smith (no relation) in an insurance fraud scheme. It further emerged Smith (Dave) had been working for Smith (Fred) on the side as a trainee chip shop assistant. Local barber Barry Smith (no relation) said: “I seen ’em in chip shop. Even went in there for a kebab once, me, and it were reet good. Got ketchup on it. Don’t do brown sauce, me, that’s for scumbag southerners! Then me doctor told me not to after me fifth cholesterol-induced heart attack in three years. Tough as an oxo cube, me. I ain’t listenin’ t’ nanny state. I’ll eat whatever I like, me.”