Sneezing can be one of the most terrifying moments of your day. That building sensation in your skull, the realisation it’s going to happen, the cupped hands to one’s face, and the sound akin to a drunken football hooligan angrily demanding ketchup with his burger. Then the ordeal is over. Someone might even say “Bless you” to ease the lingering agony. So, with all this carnage in the world, what even is the sneeze?
What is sneezing?
Sneezing, better known as sternutation, is when your body expulses air from itself with a violent ejection of everything. Think of sneezing as a personalised earthquake, except in your body. The human body is, essentially, a giant squeezebox – but not as melodic as a real squeezebox. We waltz about wheezing, ejaculating bizarre noises, and the sneeze is merely one of many variations on this. In other words – don’t panic about it.
Why do we sneeze?
Sneezing is a minor form of spontaneous combustion. The body wishes to get rid of something lodged in you, such as bits of dust, and this is the best response that has evolved over hundreds of thousands of years. Pretty crap, right?
Do all animals sneeze?
Every species except ants, armadillos, giraffes, and whales. It is unknown whether aliens sneeze, although the ones that keep abducting our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, have been noteworthy for their lack of sneezes.
Can I die by sneezing?!
Firstly, calm down! But in answer to your question, it depends what you’re doing when you sneeze. If you’re wielding a bazooka, death could be a possibility.
What happens if I sneeze 17 times in a row, would I die then?
Again, it depends on whether you have a bazooka on your person.
Has anyone ever sneezed so hard they set off a nuclear warhead?
Yes. Rasputin, apparently.
Is sneezing attractive to women?
Many men are concerned their sneeze could make them physically repulsive to women. As men, we decided to ask an arbitrary woman about this in the streets of Manchester. We demonstrated by sneezing fitfully, with spittle, snot, and mucus showering across all over her. She called the police and we were cautioned. Conclusion: do not add sneezing to your dating techniques.
I am very ladylike, what should I do if I sneeze and ruin this demure persona?
If you accidentally gob all over yourself, but wish to recover in a ladylike fashion, perhaps try giggling girlishly and twizzling your hair in a stray index finger. Affect a delightfully girlish, twee tone and say, “Well fuck me sideways! I managed to get shit all over meself!” and cackle maniacally. Problem solved.
What happens if I sneeze and puke simultaneously?
You’d be very unlucky for this to happen. We should imagine it’d be a spectacular fountain of vomit, but also noteworthy for the extent of the stench and mess created. Try to avoid when possible.
My friend said if I sneeze with my eyes open, my eyes will pop out and my arse drop off. Lies?
We tested this for you. We believe this to be a lie, although when you sneeze with your eyes open you do look like a deranged psychopath. Which is fun.
Can I play my SNES and sneeze?
Why, of course! This merely adds to the fun. You could even release your own games console called the SNEESE and release games that could educate children about sneezing. Sneezing Mario Brothers would be a good one, plus Sneezing the Hedgehog, and Lara Sneeze.
Are there ways to stop myself from sneezing?
You can stuff corks up your nose. Additionally, we found holding your breath was effective. However, as humans need to breath in order to stay alive, you will have to start breathing again at some point. However, during the 60 seconds or so you’re holding your breath, you will remain sneeze free. Enjoy those 60 seconds!
And finally… is there a cure for sneezing?
Over millennia, there have been many attempts to cure the sneeze. Modern doctors believe that if the brain could be rewired, then this could make the person realise they did not need to sneeze.
Unfortunately, this operation costs £1 million and lasts for 37 hours, during which time the entire skull is removed from your body, frozen, unfrozen, and then stitched back on. This cures the sneeze 56% of the time, although advances in technology should see this rise to 61% by 2050. Ultimately, is it worth forking out for that when you can just sneeze and then apologise?