FAQs: Spinach – why is it green and does it really itch?

Spinach
What the hell is it!?

Spinach is the green stuff that Popeye eats in order to stop his eyes from popping out of his skull. But there’s more to it than that! It’s also highly good for you. As a food, spinach is just begging you to add it to some vegetarian dish. Or you can just sit there stuffing it into your face one leaf at a time. Intrigued? Time to find out more.

What is spinach?

It’s spinach.

Yeah, I know, but what is it?

It’s a vegetable.

So why is it a vegetable and not, like, a fruit?

Because it is a vegetable.

Is spinach Finnish?

No.

What is it, then?

Spinach.

No, I mean, where does it come from?

The ground.

Huh… I always thought it, like, grew on trees.

No. The ground.

Isn’t that a bit unsanitary?

Not really, you can wash the spinach before you eat it.

Wash it with what? Like, shampoo or something?

No, don’t be stupid. Chemical grade bleach is what you should use.

Oh, okay. So that stops you from itching then, does it?

It is a longstanding myth that consuming spinach will make you itch. The only way this ichiness could ever happen is if you’re already itchy when you come to eating the stuff.

What about the spinning element?

What spinning element?

You know… spin-itch. Why does it spin?

It’s just a name, you idiot, that’s how etymology works. “Spinach” is dated to the 14th century, the Latin name is Spinacia oleracea, but its first appearance in human records was in China, circa 647 AD.

I was just thinking people had to, like, put a good spin on it to get it sold, yeah? Hence the name.

Why would they need to do that?

Because it’s revolting lol!

That’s subjective.

What’s that… like a different type of vegetable?

Can we move on, please?

What, to a non-spinach topic of conversation?

Why would we do that in a piece about spinach?

Oh, okay, so you want more spinach questions?

That’s the idea, yes.

Well, to be honest, I’m kind of done already. But I’ll try… like, why is spinach green?

Because it is.

You see, it’s that acerbic type of response that’s making me want to wrap this up. You’re not being helpful!

Look, we’re answering your questions.

You’re being very difficult about it!

We resent that. We’re taking up our spare time here to answer your questions about spinach, because you’re too lazy to search through Google, or become a spinach expert like us, and now we’re getting grief about it.

Look, your answers just haven’t been satisfactory. I mean… answer this one – why is spinach good for you?

Because it’s good for you.

You see, there you go again… I mean… in what way is spinach healthy?

In the way that you eat it and the resulting actions might it a beneficial experience for your body.

Right… and is spinach ever bad for you?

Yes.

Okay. When?

If it kills you.

Right… and how would a vegetable ever kill us?

You’ve obviously never seen Attack of the Killer Tomatoes.

I have seen it, actually, but can’t see how it relates to this situation. I’m going to make a bold step here… i think you don’t know anything about spinach!

How dare you excuse us of not knowing anything about spinach! We’re certified experts from Spinach University.

You’re lying. I’m sick of this. Take your ****ing spinach and **** off! I’m outta here!

No need to get skittish with us, it’s only spinach we’re talking about. Thank you for your time, though, we do hope this was a useful experience for you.

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