Agony Aunt: “HELP! How do I propose to my girlfriend (so that she becomes my wife)?”

Couple proposing
“‘elp me, Kylie, me stomach cramps is getting worse!”

Marriage is interesting because, when two people are married, they’re no longer not married. It’s a big part of any human’s life.

It’s also much sought after, as if you don’t marry then you are a dismal and pathetic failure.

So, as you battle to find the bird/geezer of your dreams and have the “perfect wedding”… the problem is, first you have to propose. This is the man’s job, of course, so let’s take a look at how you do just that!


Hi Professional Moron. Me bitch is decent enough to shack up with, I've figured. But I need proposal ideas so she don't say, "Nah, mate, I'm waiting for Brad Pitt." So, like, what you think? My mate, Kev, tried with his bird last weekend. Dead romantic. Maccy Ds over a burger. He got on one knee, belched from all the coke he'd had, then said "Babe, you is dead fit and I want your hand in marriage so you can cook for me and wash me Y fronts." But she looked him dead in the eyes and said "Nah, mate, I'm waiting for Ryan Gosling." So, what you reckons? Mike

Hi, Mike. Marriage is a big step for any couple. Before you make “le leap de grande” (as the French call it), we suggest couples ask themselves this most pertinent of questions:

"Can I really stand to wake up each morning and see his/her half-unconscious face, dribbling slightly, with gunk in their eyes and teeth?"

If the answer is, “Yes, I find teeth gunk very attractive!” then you’re ready to get married.

But, as you highlighted in your borderline incoherent message to us, proposing is the difficult bit.

You can’t guarantee, after spending at least £35,000 on the perfect engagement ring, your woman will immediately agree. That’s thanks to feminism, which means women now have the capacity for free will.

Disgraceful, I know, what’s the world coming to? Thankfully, we’re here to help you overcome modern complexities such as greatly transformed gender roles.


Whilst androcentrism still has a beating heart, we’re here to highlight the proper nature of proposals. The clue is in the name: prop.

The more props you have, the more effort it’s obvious you’ve put into it, so the more inclined your woman will be to accept out of embarrassed politeness. Props can include:

  • A bunch of flowers (real or plastic).
  • A box of chocolates (real or plastic).
  • A bespoke white paper on the means tested process of hegemonic product delineation in a Magento-driven eCommerce market.
  • A mixed cassette with no songs on it (i.e. indicate you think she has the capacity to tape her own favourites – this will prove you’re not an alpha male, even if you are one).
  • Half a skull, like you’ve seen thespians do in plays (the skull can be real or fake)
  • A gun (you can threaten to shoot yourself if she turns you down – the gun can be real or fake).
  • Radioactive waste (real).
  • A bag for life (in case you’re nervous and need to puke).

How to Propose

Traditionally, the idea is to get down on one knee and take your bitch’s hand in a great romantic gesture.

Thanks to gynocriticism, though, you’ll want to shake this up a bit to stand out from the crowd (dames have guys proposing all the time, these days). Here are a few creative suggestions from our proposal machine:

  • Get down on two knees
  • Perform a handstand
  • Attach an abseil to your nearest roof and shimmy down it – Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible style
  • Try to shoot the engagement ring onto her finger with a specially utilised engagement ring gun
  • Invent time travel, shift 30 minutes ahead in time, and see if she accepts the proposal – if not, return the ring to the store and get back on Tinder

Do note, thanks again to resistance against the patriarchy, women can also now propose. So, she may get down on both knees to take your hand in marriage.

If this happens, you can either go off into hiding due to the diminishment of your masculine wiles, or you can happily accept (as you just saved yourself a small fortune on an engagement ring).


  1. Excellent advice. I suggest you ( inconspicuously) laser the intended and when she comes to act indignant and hurt that her seizure has caused a complete loss of memory (and the 50,000 dollar ring). She is going to need to make this up to you by marrying you sans ring.


Dispense with some gibberish!

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