Invention: Cookie Cutter Chainsaw (for cookie cutting excellence)

Chainsaw cutting a baguette
We tested our chainsaws on bread. Shame on us. But, there’s money to be made!

Whilst wondering what our next invention should be, a colleague arrived into work with cookies. Our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, thrashed that SOB mercilessly with his belt! He then enquired as to how the cookies resembled such fun shapes. There was a flamingo one, a donkey, a lion, and… ZOMG! A hamster one! LOL! So much cute.

The employee, quaking in fear on the floor with several lacerations across his face, wailed something in response. As this was unintelligible, Mr. Wapojif remained not in the know. “Hmmmm…” he said. “It must be a chainsaw. It’s the only possible explanation!” Thusly, into this crowded market of cookie cutting via chainsaw we did step.

Cookie Cutter Chainsaw

That day, the office ditched all content production activities to focus on creating an endless batch of cookies. There was much revving of chainsaws in the office, too. Our neighbours complained by banging on our door! When we answered it, whilst covered in flour and wielding a revving monstrosity, they soon backed off.

Our findings are this: there’s a certain knack to cutting a cookie with a chainsaw. A finesse, if you will. Being of diminutive stature, the cookie isn’t in the best position to take on a razor-sharp chain whizzing along at considerable speed.

Some would even suggest there should be a better solution to cutting cookies! What?! And rob kitchens around the world of the hearty sound of an insanely dangerous implement?

So, after weeks of testing, we’re ready to dominate the market with the Cookie Chainsaw Deluxe. This fantastic model has it all – and only at a price of £5,000 ($10,000)!

It’s simple – like baking cookies? Want to wow your family with the amazing designs you can shape them (the cookies) into? Then you better get one of these bad boys! Plus, should anyone rob your home, lunging at them with one of these things is sure to secure your property.

Cookie Chainsaw Deluxe

Industry standard is to have chainsaws rev at 60mph. Ours moves at 150mph. That extra grunt provides more cut for your buck. The chain link shifts at 2,000 times a second and your chainsaw bar sprocket blasts around over a million times in a day!

You’re going to need to grease that SOB unless you want it exploding on you, likely shredding your limbs from your body. So grease the chain (with grease), or if you’re in a culinary mood you can use any spare olive oil.

Obviously, bake your cookies first. Should you have any children present, suggest they stand well back as you pull forth your mighty chainsaw. Place your cookies on the kitchen counter, rev the Cookie Chainsaw Deluxe, and as it roars in fury delicately design your cookies into the shape of things like Disney characters.

Should you have a minor mishap that results in your blood splattering over the cookies, remember that you can use icing to cover over any such issues. Rest assured, the product is perfectly safe in the right hands. Just ensure it doesn’t end up in the wrong hands (such as drunken uncles at Christmas parties etc.).


Dispense with some gibberish!

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