Exclusive Invention: The Ultra-Umbrella (ULTRA!)


Most of us have an umbrella stored away somewhere. It’s indicative of this generation of SNOWFLAKES that now even MEN refuse to get drenched. Abandoning their masculinity in favour of parading around with what’s, essentially, an anorak on a stick, they are a disgrace to the hunter-gatherers of yesteryear. Do you think foul stinking ape men cared a jot that it was raining a bit?! No! Their concern was a sabretooth tiger gnawing on their leg.

Despite our disgust at the total denigration of society, it doesn’t mean we’re not going to try and make money out of it. Thusly, we have the ultra-umbrella. It’s like your standard umbrella, but it packs a mightier punch. At least this thing will bring some mindless manliness to the world of folks prancing about scared of a bit of water.


The central goal of this product is to function as other umbrellas do. But it’s more about asserting one’s macho bravado – show that rain who’s boss!

As such, there’s a shockwave device attached to the “roof” of the ultra-umbrella. This is powerful enough to blast water droplets away from you. It pulsates once every half a second, thusly splashes rain away from your vicinity and onto the cretins around you.

This does mean anyone walking near you is, of course, drenched within moments. If you’re in a busy city environment at the time, then this can cause much friction with your fellow pedestrians. Some may even take umbrage at your umbrella.

We trial ran the product in Manchester city centre (where it rains 99.9% of the time) and within 35 seconds we were under attack from chavs. Although there’s a possibility they were just mugging us. But their cries of, “****in’ ****in’ **** f’ t’ ****er!” were later translated by a Chav Expert as general dissatisfaction at us and our ultra-umbrella.

Luckily, the product is also equipped with a water cannon (it sucks in water from above it, then blasts it out of a nozzle at the end of the handle bit), which blasts streams of concentrated water at 100mph at unsuspecting goons. Thusly, we were quite safe as we soon had the hapless chavs sprawling around in confusion on the floor.


To try and clear stuff up a bit, we’ve also invented the ultra-wellingtons. These are designed so they’re one size too small for you. They’ll grip your feet at angles like a psychotic python, draining the blood from your lower extremities.

Don’t worry about that. As you start to feel light-headed, it will take the sting away from any chavs giving you verbal abuse. You’ll be away with the fairies, so don’t you go worrying your cotton socks about that.

Meantime, your tootsies will remain nice and warm. And that’s what life is all about really, isn’t it? If your feet are dry, then you’re a happy bunny. No nations ever got conquered by armies boasting soggy feet. Except Darth Vadar (because, obviously, he had to foul himself from within that suit).


  1. What is a chav(s) & are you 100% sure a100 mph water spray will keep them back 100% of the time?
    So, if I order my Ultra Wellingtons a size too, big, then they should fit me comfortably?
    Although, I’m not sure if anything PM makes is comfy?


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