FAQs – Annoyances: What are they, why are they irritating, and why am I so annoyed?

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Because spam is annoying.

Annoyances are annoying. That’s a given. But annoying is annoyingly subjective, as one person’s irritation is another individual’s delight. For instance, we find rap music insanely annoying. But other people (maniacs and slobbering dunces) love it. Meanwhile, some people might find Professional Moron annoying! You know where you can stick it. Let’s get on with this FAQs thing.

Hi. So, what does it mean to be “annoying”?

Well, some people might say that starting a sentence with “So,” is annoying. But by definition, it varies.

Well, maybe someone finds someone who starts a sentence with “Well,” annoying. Just like you just did!

Well, you did it as well. So, what’s your problem?

I haven’t got a problem, I’m just trying to work out why you find the “So,” bit annoying.

It’s not so much an annoyance for us, it’s more a case of avoiding cliches. That’s why we rely on “Well,” so it makes you think of wells. Or wellingtons. “So,” makes you think of sewing. And who likes that mistaken identity?

Well, knitting fans for a start.

Yes, well, that’s an interesting exception. But do you know what sewers find annoying? People who think they work in a sewer.

Jesus, that confusion must get really annoying.

Some people find blaspheming annoying.

I wasn’t blaspheming.

Yes, you were.

No, I wasn’t.

By the laws of religiosity, you were.

Well, I beg to differ!

You can beg to differ all you want, but you’re highlighting the subjectivity of the matter. And, case in point, some people find beggers annoying.

Yes, I think everyone finds them irritating. They’re subhuman scum!

That’s… maybe a bit strong. But it did lead us to use an ellipsis just there, which some people find a “nuisance”.

God, what’s really infuriating is when someone puts things in “quotations” like that. It makes my blood bloody boil!

Well, there’s a difference between “anger” and “annoyance”, just to be clear on that.

They’re not the same thing?

No. That’s what we just indicated. Pay attention.

I am paying attention. Don’t patronise me, that’s really annoying.

It wouldn’t be an issue if you could comprehend what we were saying to you. :o)

What’s with the random smiley face? Are you trying to wind me up?!

Not at all, dear. :o)

Dear? And another smiley face? Christ, you’re being really annoying!

:o)

Look, I’m off if you keep this up, you ****ing pricks! Every week I subject myself to this. And for what?!

Okay, we apologise. Ask us questions about annoying things. Here’s a suggestion: “Why is it so irritating when you go to catch a bus, but the bus catches you?”

What? That doesn’t make any sense.

Think about it.

I did. And it doesn’t make any sense.

Your vacuity is starting to get on our nerves.

Well, good. That’s a taste of your own medicine.

What… like Lemsip, or something?

Urgh! Okay, why is it so annoying if you go to catch a bus, but the bus catches you?

That’s a thought experiment, really, it doesn’t have any basis in reality. But if it did it wouldn’t annoy us anyway. It’d be pretty great having the bus catch us. Kind of like a taxi service. Or going on a date with a bus. You ever done that?

Erm… no.

Good, don’t, it’s a hellish experience. They just go on and on about themselves, their route, fare rates, stop schedule, roadworks, and the freaks of nature who use them.

Try and chip in with thoughtful conversation tidbits about the ergonomics of the transport system or, like, the bus’s favourite route or something, and they’ll regale you with another story about some drunken chav who skipped the fair and then vomited on the floor.

Moving on, can I…

Don’t interrupt our conversation like that! That’s incredibly annoying!

Look I’m sorry, but you were freaking me out with the whole dating a bus story. It’s not normal and I…

You know, it’s really irritating to define normality within the constraints of a discussion about annoyances. I think we’re establishing how capricious the whole process of antagonisation is.

[Mumbling] I think we’re finding out how ****ing annoying you ****ing pricks are all the time.

What was that? Don’t mumble! It’s irritating.

Don’t give me orders, you don’t own me. This is getting most vexing!

It’s irksome to have you turn up every week for these FAQs sessions, only for you to be utterly useless at asking questions.

Well maybe if you didn’t bend over backwards to ruffle my feathers each week you’d end up with a useful feature!

Or perhaps if you weren’t so exasperatingly stupid we wouldn’t have to coax some sort of intelligible response from you!

Stupid!? Provocation after provocation. This is too much.

Using a verb with a handful of syllables doesn’t make you clever, dear.

Using “dear” doesn’t make you morally superior, dickhead!

No need to get miffed. If you’re going to behave like this we’ll get someone else to do the FAQs from now on.

Good! This has been nothing but a hassle since day one! I can’t even remember why I agreed to do this. It’s not like you’re paying me anything.

We forced you at shotgun point, if you remember.

Oh, yeah… well, I’m going to the police about that. Teach you a lesson!

Oh, God, not the local authorities again. Dealing with them is soooo annoying.

As annoying as those moronic people who protract “soooo” into some other type of word entirely?!

Shut your face!

No, you shut your face!

No! You shut your stupid face!

Not a chance! YOU shut your stupid bloody face!

NO! YOU SHUT YOUR STUPID GODDAMN FACE!

[This exchange of insults went on for another five minutes, at which point we shot the individual dead with our shotgun. From next week we’ll have a less irritating FAQ PERSON in place.]

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