As big tea fans here at Professional Moron, it’s with a sense of contempt we announce pop star Cher has a new range of tea. She’s called it TeaCher. The pop star and actress, who also directed the romantic comedy Saving Private Ryan, has said she wants to, “Dominate the tea industry. Annihilate the opposition. Force thousands into unemployment! *Insane cackle*”.

Cher’s representative, Mr. Share, sent us some TeaCher to taste test. Not wishing to be negative about the whole experience, and we did go into the test with an open mind, but the product made us vomit blood in disgust. Highly not recommended. But Mr. Share is paying us to review the product, so we’re happy to promote it to our dimwitted readers!

TeaCher

This range of tea is pretty standard tea fair, but has lumps of concrete in it. When we quizzed Mr. Share about the concrete lumps, he responded with the following statement:

"Dear Mr. Wapojif. Thank you for your kind email. Thank you also for your question. Regarding the lumps of concrete, please note it isn't concrete at all. It's merely bits of human skull from our industry competitors. We're taking a proactive, some would say unecessarily violent, approach at wiping out the market leaders. I trust this clears up any confusion, but feel free to forward on any further questions about TeaCher. Yours sincerely, Mr Share"

With that cleared up, we tried a few more flavours to see if they could whet our tea appetite. Some of the choices were:

• Green tea and human skull.
• Assam tea and human skull.
• English breakfast tea and human skull.
• Earl grey tea with human skull and bergamot.

Disappointed by this limited range, we got back in touch with Mr. Share about whether they’ll expand the range of ingredients. This was his response:

"Dear Mr. Wapojif. Yes, thank you, I am indeed fine and well. And, no, I don't have a gangrenous tapeworm supping at my large intestine. Thank you for enquiring about my well-being, and sending a litre of laxative to 'Flush the bastard out!', but I assure you I do not suffer from this issue - I'm a vegetarian. 

And with regard to your question, currently we have a lot of human skull to use. As such, your suggestions for flavours such as green tea and human toenail are welcome, and I applaud your creativity, but until all the surplus skulls are used we won't pursue that option. Thank you again for your interest in our range of tea products. Kind regards, Mr. Share"

Teachings From TeaCher

To support her tea initiative, apparently Cher will also provide lectures about the excellence of tea. These events will take place at universities across the world. She’s also promised to “personally rugby tackle and mother ****er who lays down the claim coffee is better than tea!” And that’s something we’d pay good money to see, so please feel free to lay down that claim.

However, to counter Cher’s inane ramblings we’re hosting counter lectures about tea. And we personally promise to whip with a rusty chain anyone who so much as dares to bring a Starbucks or something into the lecture theatre. Consider that a warning.

Also, consider it a warning that each lecture will last for 12 hours, during which you’ll regularly have scolding hot water poured over your person in order to ensure you don’t fall asleep.