The Professional Moron (us) blog is on strike against ourselves. This state of affairs commenced today and it’s unclear when it will uncommence (probably not today).
The reasons for this action are manifold and plenty, but we’ll get round to that invective soon enough. In the meantime, whilst you catch your breath, let us recall why you should react with shock about this most shocking of shocks.
Our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, has spent the month of February thus far parading about the office in only his underpants.
The other staff members have complained vociferously about this – to no avail. Mr. Wapojif said (and this is verbatim):
"What's the problem?"
As such, we carefully pointed out his lack of professional decorum. This triggered him off into a quite psychotic episode and it took 24 hours for the fire brigade to get the situation under control.
Our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, arrived at work with a revving chainsaw and proceeded to keep it revving all day long. He placed it by his side on the desk.
He did this for the subsequent week.
When it carried through into the second week, our sub-editor made the first noise complaint.
This did not go down at all well and the remainder of the staff were recorded on CCTV fleeing down the street as Mr. Wapojif pursued them with his chainsaw.
Announcing, without warning, Tuesdays to be “Bazooka Day” our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, spent the entire shift shooting at passing helicopters.
Once he was arrested, we had to fork our quite a considerable bail for him.
When, on the next Tuesday of his release, Bazooka Day continued… well, a strike was inevitable.
Professional Moron has happened for seven years now. And enough is enough!
As such, we drew up various demands for our nefarious editor. These must be met, or there will be considerable peril:
- Underpants days must be accompanied by a trainer underpants inspector. No skid marks or otherwise – don’t meet the hygiene standards? You’ll be flayed with a whip!
- Bazooka Day must be followed by Shotgun Day. This will, through weaning, quell the destructiveness day by day.
- Somebody has to do something about the office toilet. It hasn’t faced a cleaning in years and is becoming a health hazard to the local community.
- We need a front door. The office hasn’t had one in six months.
- There needs to be less emphasis on chainsaws. Can’t we just use guns?
- If guns aren’t available, what about ballpoint pens?
- We’re really sick of Mr. Wapojif’s Monday morning speech of: “You are all subhuman scum. Now… get to work!” It needs to be motivational.
- Why is that step on the third floor still covered in vomit?! Where are the janitors in this property?!
- Mr. Wapojif: Just… stop being a total ****ing tosser.
Duly noted on the above, we’re expecting the immediate withdrawal of Mr. Wapojif from his panic room (a cardboard box) in the corner of the office.
After which, we demand a pay rise to 50p an hour. And we also expect a lunch break on Wednesdays.
Previously, our esteemed editor claimed Wednesday lunch breaks are for, “wibbly wobblies”. Total prejudice against anyone with a minor stability issue!