The Professional Moron strike has stumbled into its third day, with staff squaring off against “total dickhead” editor, of the esteemed variety, Mr. Wapojif.
Events got heated yesterday, with a particular focus on the office toilet. Named Barry, the toilet hasn’t received a clean since September 2018 and is posing a public health crisis.
A media circus has formed outside the office in Manchester, with Mr. Wapojif playing to the crowd by storming into the street with his revving chainsaw.
He’s been tasered by the police 17 times so far (as of day three).
Day Poo (two)
The Professional Moron staff gathered outside the office with placards for what they deemed “day poo” of the protest. The placards were unreadable due to being smeared in excrement – hence the name of the day.
The strikers also arrived covered in excrement to wave their respective placards about. Many journalists were forced to leave the scene due to the stench.
The office apprentice, who wishes to remain anonymous, told national tabloid The Daily Disaster:
"This morning I went to Manchester's sewage line and dove in for a swim. I reckon it's important you stick up for your values. And that means taking extreme steps like that. But I'm kind of used to the stink anyway, because Barry, the office toilet, smells so bad it often renders me unconscious at my desk. And that's no way to earn a living."
Mr. Wapojif spent most of the day skulking in the Professional Moron office, occasionally bursting forth into the street in what appears were a series of manic outbursts.
The watching police force warned him to reign in his antics, until they got bored of him and took action. The editor received half a dozen bouts of tasering throughout the day. With each one, he appeared to lose control of his bodily functions.
The office apprentice told gathered reporters: “At least he’s getting into the spirit of the event. Can’t fault him for that.”
All non-strikers arrived in hazmat suits this morning to document the ongoing war of words between the aforementioned strikers and the non-striking editor of the striking publication.
This is how events unfolded (not verbatim):
- 6am: Mr. Wapojif is seen inside the premises brushing his teeth with what appears to be Barry’s bog brush.
- 7am: Mr. Wapojif is rushed to hospital to have his stomach pumped (due to the above action).
- 9am: Mr. Wapojif returns to the office looking as white as a sheet. Proclaims to the gathered journalists, “I feel a bit… *blllleuurrgghhhhhh!!!!*” Vomit spews forth copiously.
- 9:20am: The esteemed editor is rushed back to hospital.
- 10am: Professional Moron’s staff proclaim Mr. Wapojif’s antics to be deliberate. “He’s stalling for thyme” the office apprentice says.
- 11am: Mr. Wapojif returns to the office with five pounds of thyme. “Told you so!” the apprentice observes. The editor overhears this and attempts to physically assault the apprentice with a tin of baked beans. This “bitch fight” rattles on for several minutes.
- 1pm: Mr. Wapojif clears “off to bed” (apparently in his office) and ignores the ongoing excrement strike outside his business’ property. A chant begins: “I say, rather, we’re not here to stock your larder!” etc.
- 4pm: The editor suddenly emerges from the building with Barry the toilet (having wrenched it out of its plumbing foundations), plus his bazooka, and announces (whilst stark naked): “I hereby end the strike by murdering this defenceless toilet. I hope you’re all satisfied!”
- 4:01pm: Taking three steps back, Mr. Wapojif guns down Barry the toilet.
- 4:01pm: The force of the explosion catapults the esteemed editor into Salford Quays. Air ambulance rescue is immediately called to save him.
- 4:05pm: Confirmation of Barry the toilet’s death. Although some remark, due to the nature of his role, he never really lived.
- 4:15pm: The air ambulance arrives and Mr. Wapojif is retrieved from the quays. He’s promptly flown back to hospital.
- 4:20pm: The Professional Moron staff return to work. They find water flooding the office and a steel bucket in the corner as Barry’s replacement. “It’s good to be back!” is resoundingly not heard as the staff return to work.