How to Use LinkedIn

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LinkedIn (like our industry-leading alternative app BlinkedIn) is a professional networking site definitely not intended for flirting.

Despite that, many people still treat it like an online dating platform. Common problems? Posing in profile pictures more suitable for a modelling shoot, sending massively inappropriate messages, or just presuming LinkedIn is a free online dating platform.

Thankfully, Professional Moron is here to tell you you’re moronic and need to use it properly. Here’s how!

The Profile Picture

Remember what constitutes professionalism: a steely grimace, abandonment of any concept of fun, and the use of a black and white image.

The latter is important. It’ll hide the bags under your eyes, exhausted devastation of your skin colour, and cover up your double chin. All signs that the hellish world of modern capitalism – long hours, terrible pay, and zero life prospects – is taking its existential toll on you.

However, many 21 year olds blissfully free from a decade or so of deleterious overwork for no reward are free from such concerns (for now).

Young and pretty, many attempt to replicate Liz Hurley at the beach. Remember—you are not Liz Hurley at the beach! You are Kylie from Bolton and you’re applying for a job as a secretary.

Thusly, drop the following: pouty duck lips, three-hour make-up session prior to image, doe-eyed stare of attempted sultry modellingness.

And as for guys… keep your bloody tops on! Nothing screams “useless tosser” quite like applying for a role such as a shelf stacker with you at the beach in your speedos. You cannot stack shelves in your speedos, fool! Customers will complain!

That’s unless, of course, you work at a speedo supermarket where company policy dictates you must wander around in your speedos. Then it is fine. Otherwise, no.

The Profile Description

Be open and honest—avoid action adjectives (whatever they are). Be aware of how overused terms make you sound:

  • “Young go-getter”: Annoying prick lacking experience. Likely to interject during meetings with vacuous concepts due to annoying levels of arrogant self-belief, despite total incompetence.
  • “Enthusiastic”: Annoying.
  • “Genius”: Not a genius at all. Labours under the Dunning-Kruger effect. Avoid.
  • Dedicated“: Probably spends most of their time at work hungover.
  • Creative“: Doesn’t know what they’re doing.
  • Ideates within the spheres of ideation“: Tosspot.

Instead, try different words, terms, or natural sentences that display what you bring to the workplace. Such as:

  • Proper belting sort.
  • Dead good at everything – honest.
  • Only occasionally drunk at work.
  • Doesn’t take heroin. Never go near the stuff, me!
  • Popular with the ladies/men.
  • I swear to God, I’ve never clogged a work toilet!
  • Never punched my boss in the face, no matter how many times I wanted to.
  • Prefers working alone, because I really, really hate other people.

Write a good description of yourself using at least three of the above terms (think a good combo such as: never takes heroin, never punches the boss, occasionally drunk etc.) to maximise your qualitative excellence within the yadda blah blah.

Types of Messages to Avoid

LinkedIn is NOT a dating network. However, some people (usually those pesky man bloke things) think it is. Or that it doubles up as one – job hunt and flirt, eh? No!

To help any confused men reading this along, below are examples of messages you shouldn’t be sending to any “dames” you come across.

Hey, babe face! You is so hot. Do they need a new toilet cleaner at your office I'd love to be you are colleague! Kisses, Bob

Note where Bob went wrong – he wasn’t very professional. He also made a classic grammatical error. He’ll be lucky if “babe face” doesn’t report him to the police.

Here’s a different example that must be avoided.

Yo, yo, yo, yo! Shit, is they all as good looking as you at the office lol roflmao. Babe can you get me a job they're I got fired recently for setting fire to my desk lol roflmao. Here's me CV cheers Dave

Dave then also forgot to attach his CV and instead added a picture of his drunken night out on Friday, with him vomiting copiously over his mate Jeff’s head.

Note where Dave went wrong. His use of diction and grammar is fundamentally flawed, plus he added an inappropriate image that is only ever going to get him consigned to the trash bin.

For clarity, he’s an example of the type of message you should send to other people.

Greetings! I'm sending out a speculative message with my CV attached as I would dearly love to work for your business (so long as you're offering a decent wage, rather than the subpar borderline poverty battling crap most greedy bastards peddle out these days due to the total failure of modern capitalism). Please let me know if it's of interest within my 72 hour deadline, otherwise I will be visiting your premises armed with my bazooka. Best regards, [insert your name]

See? Polite, incisive, and a hint of manic danger. Exactly the type of approach you need to stand out in today’s busy business world.

Conclusion

Instead of a normal wrapping up of our thoughts and ideas, here’s a poem type thing to sum up the whole LinkedIn experience. Enjoy – but behave yourselves!

LinkedIn is great,

Like a really nice big plate,

Although preferably not one that looks like my best mate,

Because he’s well ugly lol,

And no I’m not being a troll,

I just want a good salary on the payroll. 

Have some gibberish to dispense with?

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