Haiku Friday #3: Foodie Special

Letters on a page

Greetings and welcome to another edition of Haiku Friday. After the success of the last two, we may turn this into a regular feature. But that’s up to us, so don’t put any undue pressure on us, yeah?

Anyway, it’s a (largely) foodie special this week. With a few other casual asides. Enjoy it. And remember – if you criticise our poetic efforts, we’ll write a goddamn 77 stanza retort. Plus, force you to read it at gunpoint!

Classic Adaptation

Roses are red.

Violence is blue.

Why the bloody hell am I covered in poo? 


Chop up the bread.

Insert the ingredients.

Choke to death on tomato.

Instant Noodles

Oodles of noodles in a pot.

They will make your gut rot.

Should have eaten some apricot.


Need to build a bridge?

Then go and eat some porridge.

Although it won’t help if a brick lands on your skull, killing you instantly.

Full English Breakfast

Do you want to feel full?

Then you should hang out with a bull.

It will eviscerate you.


What the hell is this stuff?

It reminds me of Nazi Germany.

I do not know why I make that correlation.

Food Poisoning

Do you like to poo?

Then you should always forget to chew.

Raw meat you’ve pulled from someone’s loo.

Roast Dinners

Five hours of baking away.

What a bloody waste of my day.

Everyone has finished after 30 minutes.

All You Can Eat

Do you want to vomit?

Then turn off Wallace and Gromit.

And rush to your local cafe like a comet.


I blame my chronic armpit itch.

On my unbridled love for cooked spinach.

Popeye is a lying SOB.


Do you want to cook some pie?

Then you must prepare to die.

Or at least lose one eye (due to a stroke).


Chew today.

Chew tomorrow.

My teeth dropped out.

Elementary Mathematics

I ain’t so good at math.

Because I spend too much time in the bath.

I really need a new career path.


Dispense with some gibberish!

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