Greetings and welcome to another edition of Haiku Friday. After the success of the last two, we may turn this into a regular feature. But that’s up to us, so don’t put any undue pressure on us, yeah?

Anyway, it’s a (largely) foodie special this week. With a few other casual asides. Enjoy it. And remember – if you criticise our poetic efforts, we’ll write a goddamn 77 stanza retort. Plus, force you to read it at gunpoint!

Classic Adaptation

Roses are red.

Violence is blue.

Why the bloody hell am I covered in poo? 

∞

Sandwiches

Chop up the bread.

Insert the ingredients.

Choke to death on tomato.

∞

Instant Noodles

Oodles of noodles in a pot.

They will make your gut rot.

Should have eaten some apricot.

∞

Porridge

Need to build a bridge?

Then go and eat some porridge.

Although it won’t help if a brick lands on your skull, killing you instantly.

∞

Full English Breakfast

Do you want to feel full?

Then you should hang out with a bull.

It will eviscerate you.

∞

Mayonnaise

What the hell is this stuff?

It reminds me of Nazi Germany.

I do not know why I make that correlation.

∞

Food Poisoning

Do you like to poo?

Then you should always forget to chew.

Raw meat you’ve pulled from someone’s loo.

∞

Roast Dinners

Five hours of baking away.

What a bloody waste of my day.

Everyone has finished after 30 minutes.

∞

All You Can Eat

Do you want to vomit?

Then turn off Wallace and Gromit.

And rush to your local cafe like a comet.

∞

Spinach

I blame my chronic armpit itch.

On my unbridled love for cooked spinach.

Popeye is a lying SOB.

∞

Pie

Do you want to cook some pie?

Then you must prepare to die.

Or at least lose one eye (due to a stroke).

∞

Chewing

Chew today.

Chew tomorrow.

My teeth dropped out.

∞

Elementary Mathematics

I ain’t so good at math.

Because I spend too much time in the bath.

I really need a new career path.