Agony Aunt: “HELP! How do I quit smoking?”

A cigarette end

Smoking – the inhalation of tobacco fumes through the mouth, nose, or ears – gets a bad reputation these days. It makes you stink bad and it costs a lot.

Oh yeah, it’s also really bad for you. So, some people want to stop. But that can be difficult. Luckily, we’re here to help you abstain from it all.

Smoking Hot

Hello. I'm Ronald. You can call me Ron. I started smoking a few years ago because I thought it made me look sexy. However, I didn't get far with my dating as most women thought it was disgusting, especially if I arrived to the date with fag in hand. Apparently, that's not cool anymore. Neither is my foul reek of tobacco stench. 

Eventually I met the woman of my dreams at work, but she doesn't smoke. And I need to ask her out, but without smelling bad.

I tried stopping smoking but was soon a jittery wreck, snapping in bad temper at anyone who came near me. Even the woman of my dreams. All she said was, "Good morning, Ronald!" And I roared back, "MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS, YOU VILE COW!!"

I feel such interactions may be spoiling my chances with her - Daisy (not her real name) - so I need to quit. Advice? Cheers, Ron

Hi Ronald! You’ve made an important choice. Deciding to quit smoking is the first step.

Well, actually… no, it isn’t. Deciding to start smoking is the first step. Becoming addicted is the second.

The third step is have a lingering desire to quit for months or years. The fourth is to dither on the matter for months on end whilst you continue smoking.

The fifth step is to decide to quit. So, well done for dragging that out predictably. Lucky for you, we’re here to help you abstain for life.

How to Stop Smoking

The key to quitting is to stop smoking. As a physical addiction and psychological habit, you need to look into ways to, like, stop that happening.

Our advice is to consider taking up a new addiction to replace your old one. Perform some research into:

  • Heroin: Will certainly take your mind off the cigarette withdrawal! Watch Trainspotting for some excellent insights into this wonderfully destructive substance that’s destroyed many a person’s life.
  • Heavy drinking: Alcoholism isn’t a cure-all, but it’ll keep your mind busy instead of worrying about where the next packet of fags is coming from.
  • Binge eating: Craving a cigarette? Melt a litre of ice cream and chug on that, pint after pint, to spike your system with sugar.
  • LSD: When you’re in the Nth Dimension and observing reality alongside Satan, then your stupid smoking habit really will look a bit insignificant.
  • Golf: It worked for Alice Cooper, so clearly there’s something about hitting balls with sticks that works a treat.
  • Stringy cheese: One of the most addictive substances humanity has had to face, only head to this form of fromage if you’re truly, utterly desperate.

Quitting Diary

You should also keep a diary about your experiences so that, day by day, you can monitor your progress.

Our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, provides his experiences going cold turkey off stringy cheese below.

  • Day 1: Incoherent gibberish interspersed with ramblings about his pet mongoose. Mr. Wapojif does not have a pet mongoose.
  • Day 2: Whatever was written here is smudged due to the sweat and dribble pouring off our editor onto his diary. It’s unreadable. Kind of like Professional Moron then, eh?! *Bah dum tish*
  • Day 3: Lots of stab marks across the diary, evidently from a pen, plus clawing at the paper with bare knuckles.
  • Day 4: The first proper entry, it reads: “Some semblance of normality has returned and I am dining off vegan cheese to help wean me off the worst of the comedown.”
  • Day 5: “Feeling much better! Stringy cheese… I shall never touch that diabolical stuff again!”

As you can see, that’s the path to recovery you have to go through. It’s tough and will power is all-important.

But we can confirm Mr. Wapojif is stringy cheese free for three months and counting. He’s replaced that destructive habit with drinking bleach to, “Dull the pain.” Best of luck, Ronald. You can do it!

Dispense with some gibberish!

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