Agony Aunt: “HELP! My husband’s sweaty armpits are gross!”

Bald man working out lifting weights in the gym
Hot stuff.

A human male wandering around drenched in sweat isn’t always the most attractive thing for human females. Especially if that’s your significant other.

Today’s human female is particularly aggrieved by her husband’s sweaty underarm area. And we’re here to save the day!

Sweaty Armpits

Heya. Okay, so my husband is a sweet man. He's also a sweaty man. He sweats a lot, even when eating sweets, and it's getting a bit embarrassing for me. 

He always wears those, sort of, light blue button up shirts. So the sweat patches are, you know, really easy to spot. 

I mean, we went for a meal recently and the sweat patches were like a mile radius wide and all the way down to his belly! I started retching and tried to blame it on the young waiter serving us. And that really annoyed the waiter and he kept giving me this funny look for the rest of the night. Or maybe that was because I was continuously dry heaving at the sight of my husband's stupid armpits!!

I'm not sure if this makes me really petty, or something, but I find it really disgusting. I've even had dreams about murdering my husband with a chainsaw to make the sweating stop. 

I was so disgusted with myself I got drunk when I woke up. Suitably bolstered with confidence, I finally confronted my husband about his sweaty armpits. 

We now sleep in separate rooms and he refuses to speak to me. It's been four months!! How do I save my marriage!? 

Yours, Sandra

Hi, Sandra! Whilst sweaty armpits can indeed be unsightly, in the eyes of the law it’s not usually a solid justification for hacking someone to death with a chainsaw.

Least of all your husband. So you were wise to abstain from such an activity.

Sweaty Solutions

As an immediate solution, we suggest you reconsole with your husband and:

  • Offer him an anti-perspiration deodorant.
  • Suggest he start wearing jumpers to hide the sweat.
  • Have an operation to remove his sweat gland.
  • Buy an electric fan.
  • Suggest you move to a really cold country to control the sweating.

If it’s the latter, he’ll need to resign from his job. His resignation letter should indicate he is doing so due to his sweating.

You will also need to resign from your job and inform your employer you’re doing so due to:

  • Sweaty arm patches.
  • BO.
  • The need to save your marriage.

Cold countries include, but are not limited to: Sweden, Norway, Greenland, Iceland, and bits of Canada and/or America.

You can also consider signing up to NASA’s impending Mars mission. The red planet is nippy. And there will be fewer people around to see your husband’s sweat patches.

However, if the above aren’t suitable for you then rev up that chainsaw and let rip.

There are other husbands ready and waiting out there, Sandra, you’ll just have to serve a (admittedly protracted) spell in jail and then go for it! Best of luck.

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