Are you sick and tired of your layabout employees lumbering about the place looking miserable? You should be!
Remember, you’re the one paying them that poverty wage. They should feel privileged to work for you!
As such, it’s time to violently enforce happiness in your working environment—on pain of death! Here’s how to go about it.
You’re The Boss
Depression, skulking, sulking, lethargy, disinterest, and stress? These are all signs of a useless member of staff.
However, before firing them (which requires you to fork out for recruitment costs) you should take into consideration not firing them.
Perhaps they just need a ramrod up their backside to put the fear of unemployment and homelessness into their system.
Remember, being a boss is not about being a good human being. It’s about acquiring as much money as humanly possible so you can pretend to be superior to everyone else.
As such, you should enforce happiness at work so that employees do their jobs better.
Okay, so how do you go about ensuring your freeloading employees are at least pretending to be happy?
Well, asides from plying them with alcohol upon arrival at work, you (the boss) can try these following workforce well-being tactics:
- Create a welcoming environment: Greet staff enthusiastically each morning, reminding them in-person you don’t intend to fire them that day. “And probably tomorrow, employee! Due to my benevolence!” That’ll fill them with the spirit of glee.
- Alcohol: As aforementioned, drunk employees are happy employees. Command your staff to neck shots of tequila first thing in the morning for an early morning burst of activity. Come the afternoon, when that lot is all unconscious, simply bring in more employees. Ply them with drink and repeat.
- Office rattlesnakes: Everyone loves snakes, so get some rattlesnakes into the office so employees can pet them during downtime. Have antivenom antidotes available in the off chance someone may be bitten.
- Reminders of economic uncertainty: The great thing about capitalism is recession and financial crashes are only ever just around the corner. That keeps everyone on their toes. So put posters up around the office that read: “TODAY THERE IS NO RECESSION!” This will fill the employees with glee, safe in the knowledge they’re not homeless for another day.
- Wage reminders: Every lunch break, send out a company-wide email reminding employees you pay their wages and are a benevolent boss. Also remind them that you’re only earning 354 times what they are annually thanks to the joys of mindless individualism, which is something they can all achieve by working harder and being totally self-absorbed. Can’t beat a bit of the old healthy individualism.
- Environmental catastrophe reminders: Every afternoon, send out a company-wide email reminding everyone of the climate crisis. State that all employees are pretty much screwed anyway, so they might as well live for the moment. Oh, and use that moment to slam everyone with a salary drop.
- Yoga at gunpoint: To alleviate the strain of mental health issues, force your employee (at gunpoint) to do relaxing early morning yoga sessions. Demand they arrive at 5am and spend an hour doing this. The bonus for you is staff will now have a 6am start time, which means more productivity.
- Demonstrate business transparency: Be open and honest about your daily dealings. For example, if you’re secretly sleeping with a line manager’s wife, let him know. Take him aside and inform him, “Desmond, I want to reach out and ideate within the spheres of ideation with you—I’m sleeping with Doreen. I just want to let you know this was a carnal desire ideated from my loins due to my total arrogance and selfishness. I can’t promise it won’t happen again. If you have a problem with this outcome, I will sue you.” Pat Desmond on the back and be on your way—you’re a great boss!
- Don’t get angry: Although you may want to punch employees in the face, remember that employment laws such as the Equality Act 2010 block such activities. So, restrain your anger—take mellowing narcotics such as LSD to help you along, man.
- Hide your flaws: Many bosses have narcissistic personality disorders, making them highly selfish, obnoxious, and difficult to deal with. Employees don’t typically like that, so allow some extent of denial and/or manipulation to ensure your staff don’t realise you represent the very worst things about humanity.
Of course, you can totally add your own initiatives to the above list. That was merely a bit of ideating on our part.
The more you ideate, the more happy the world gets. So, go for it you ideating genius!
The Sky’s the Limit
Remember, employee happiness means employer happiness, which means employment happiness, which means fiscal happiness, which means it’s the rapture.
Reach such heights and a deity will soon be in contact with you, boss person, to hoist you into a transmundane better reality.
There you’ll bask in the joys of eternity, wielding ultimate power over the inferior people—for you are a business owner. You are better than everyone else in the universe.
But only by becoming the cosmos can you truly fulfill your destiny as the greatest human entity since time began.
And that, dear employer, is why you must connive your way through bogus “workplace happiness” initiatives.
It may sting a little bit and wound your pride—it may even physically repulse you.
But think of that prize! You at the centre of the universe where you belong. Go forth and create “happiness”, business owner. Go forth.