Returning to Work After Coronavirus: The Professional Moron Story

Business people having a meeting with two shaking hands
“Oh… shit! I forgot about social distancing!”

As you’re all clamouring to know how Professional Moron has dealt with the coronavirus pandemic, the official verdict from all employees is “poorly”.

You can read about our struggle in the poignant chronicle below this next heading.

Overcoming COVID-19 (Through Sheer Stupidity)

Although remote working was instigated from March 2020 (during which time we wrote our self-isolation lockdown haikus), the office apprentice was forced to guard the office 24/7 with a bazooka.

We found his heavily dehydrated corpse this week upon our first return to the office environment.

Our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, told us to, “Stick him outside so he can thaw out. He’ll be right as rain in 30 minutes.”

We checked back after the aforementioned half an hour but, alas, the apprentice was still dead. Worse still, rats are in abundance.

A small horde of them are still running riot around the place, biting our ankles and, in extreme cases, launching themselves through mid-air to attack our faces.

Mr. Wapojif is a fan of rodents, so refuses to let us harm them in any way.

As such, they continue to breed like rats and we now have an official mass family living with us as we work. There are, at best guess, about 1,000 of them.

Rest assured, we’re all wielding feather cushions to prod them away with. But in the event of any typos you spot on Professional Moron, those are due to one of the following:

  • A rat treading on a keyboard.
  • A rat falling onto a keyboard.
  • Several rats rampaging across a keyboard.
  • One of us falling over, petrified, onto the keyword.
  • Lack of proofreading due to chronic laziness.

Either way, it’s great to be back in the office and slavishly burning ourselves out in the name of making some overprivileged cretin richer.

Failing a Health & Safety Risk Assessment

The Health & Safety Executive (HSE) visited our premises to observe the health & safety checks we completed. This is mandatory under UK employment law.

Unfortunately, the first HSE was, upon arrival, immediately slain by a swarm of rats. The second also followed suit.

Ultimately, HSE agreed to conduct the checks via videoconferencing. During this “ordeal”, as they put it, we could hear HSE employees vomiting copiously as we displayed the scabrous working conditions of the Professional Moron office. That includes:

  • A jungle of mould festering upon the roof and walls.
  • The blocked office toilet overflowing with effluence.
  • Two HSE corpses.
  • An unfathomable stench (although HSE was spared that).
  • An empty vanilla yogurt pot on a shelf with a swarm of blue bottles buzzing over it.
  • 1,000+ rats running riot.

HSE immediately demanded we close down permanently. To which Mr. Wapojif responded, “Piss off, you sad bastards.”Regardless, we’re off to court over this one.

Although HSE has demanded we don’t bring the rats with us upon arrival at Manchester Crown Court. To which Mr. Wapojif accused them of being sexist.

Our Social Distancing Measures

We’re enforcing a 20 metre gap to be on the safe side, although this isn’t possible as the office is only seven metres by seven metres wide.

Also, the abundance of rats means germs such as lymphocytic choriomeningitis and scurvy are spreading like the plague.

However, morale is high. Our editor has also insisted that Chainsaw Tuesdays return, which involves arriving to work with a revving chainsaw for, “ideation purposes”.

However, with several chainsaws descending on the office, the rats went wild and many of us now have Salmonella, severe dandruff, and gangrene.

Our sub-editor asked for a day off. And was promptly punched in the face by Mr. Wapojif.

Our Personal Protective Equipment Measures

We have issued PPE to staff to ensure they don’t catch any germs from the pandemic.

Indeed, we only want them to get horrifically ill from the wildly capricious rats. Mr. Wapojif, our esteemed editor, walks everywhere in a full Hazmat suit.

He also carries with him a bazooka, chainsaw, flamethrower, and a water pistol. He insists these will protect him from, “All illnesses known to man. Including gout.” So far, he appears to be correct. And he remains gout-free.

As a gesture of good will, we placed a full-face shield over the corpse of our apprentice. Then we dumped him out by the trash where the bin men will collect him on Tuesday.

Such is Mr. Wapojif’s love for rodents, he’s also ordered 1,000 facemasks for the rats in the office. At a cost of some £5,000.

He indicated the sudden demise of the office apprentice meant we had surplus budget to waste, so he wanted to ensure the wellbeing of our pointed snout office dwellers.

However, we do now need a new apprentice. So will be running a job spec next week that we encourage all of you to apply for. Or else!

Back to the Daily Grind

Although we’re all sitting here looking like there’s nuclear fallout, the sight of Mr. Wapojif staring into the middle-distance from within his Hazmat suit, chainsaw revving, is enough to get us ideating in an instant.

We assure you, Professional Moron will continue to produce only the must adequate content we possibly can. With the absolute minimum of typos (when we can be bothered).

Join us on this journey. Donate all of your money to us. And let’s make 2020 truly dumb.

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