Agony Aunt: “HELP! My husband can’t read and write!”

A woman reading a book
Read this!

Some humans are better at things than other humans are. For example, some humans can run a mile without breaking into a sweat. Others can’t walk a few paces without succumbing to death.

Today’s human female has something much worse. A deadbeat of a husband who can’t read so good. Oh dear.

The Darker Side to Reading

Dear agony aunt. My husband, Jeremy, is a kind man. But his inability to learn how to read is ruining my poetry career. When I married him in 1989, he pledged to learn how to read within six months. Over 30 years later and he still hasn't read through that Mr. Men book I got him to help him on his journey. And his writing is just as poor!

The thing is, he PRETENDS he hasn't got a problem! And he keeps writing me these disturbingly incompetent love poems and love letters. 30 years this has been going on! This is the worst one I ever got.

"Snuggums dead. Uggums off head. Dead. U R a bed."

I asked him what it was supposed to mean and he said it proved his "undying love" for me. Which I rightfully called out as nonsense! Furthermore, he later claimed to have read War and Peace. In disbelief, I asked him to provide a plot synopsis.

He began perspiring wildly. I knew it! The fool was lying! I kept on pestering him and he eventually said it was a prequel to SpongeBob SquarePants. I laughed in his face. He hasn't spoken to me since. I may have offended him. But... a man his age should be able to read and write. Right? Regards, Ashley

Hi Ashley. Reading and writing isn’t as important as you think.

Without them, it’s still possible to fumble mindlessly through life achieving nothing whilst remaining stunningly ignorant. There’s nothing at all wrong with that.

Simultaneously, you must remember that not everyone can be arsed learning to read (and write). It’s difficult. And some words are really difficult and long.

Such as braggadocio. A man (or woman) could live their entire life without saying (or writing) that word. And would it be a life lived poorly? Of course not, you fool!

Here are some other pointless big words you really don’t need to write down (unless you work at NASA, or something):

  • Kurtosis
  • Budgerigar
  • Cattywampus
  • Collywobbles
  • Fuddy-duddy

Nevertheless, we feel your plight. If you’re a poet (and we think you know it), we guess it’s super disappointing to have a dumb bastard of a husband, eh?

Our suggestion? Divorce! If that’s not on your trajectory, if the stars aren’t aligned in such a manner, then you could always hypnotise him.

Then he may take up reading and writing. Or send him to school. Or, you know, just stop giving such a toss?

If you want learned discussions about books and poetry, why not join a book club? Mind blown, eh? You’re welcome!

4 comments

  1. This is dreadful. If I had to go through life without reading and writing cattywampus I’d jump from the highest bridge ! Pity the fool who can’t read and write bejeebers! Tsk tsk. I’m glad I can read and write aren’t you ?

    Liked by 2 people

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