Vegetables get a bad reputation these days. Some folks baulk at them and think they’re for communists.

However, research indicates vegetables (such as pomegranates, spotted dick, and Marmite) are actually pretty good for you. Thank cripes we’re here to help!

The Importance of Veg

Disclaimer: All of our medical advice is nonsense. Ignore it. 

Dear Dr. Moron. My name is Kev and I'm from Burnley in England. My other doctor said recently my diet of chips isn't doing my health any good. I called him a lefty snowflake and stormed out of his practice. But then I started feeling a bit sick recently. I kept chucking up my chips. Old scars started gaping open and my teeth went wobbly. I went back to that leftist piece of shit doctor and he said I have scurvy and need to eat more vegetables! WTF!? Is he right? I can't believe this for a second! Kev

Hi, Kev. There’s a school of thought that suggests eating vegetables is quite good for you.

Although your rustic diet of chips also has many health benefits. Such as causing scurvy (which isn’t the worst disease you could have—better than yellow fever, at any rate—so there’s cause for celebration).

However, it’s important to chew on at least one piece of vegetable a day. A spoonful of nearby mud counts. As does:

• Glancing at a turnip.
• Stubbing your big toe on a sweet potato.
• Being crushed under a crate of tomatoes.
• Having a discussion about lettuce.
• Having a fist fight with a granola bar.
• Starting a football riot with a bag of organic carrots.

Such antics do count towards one of your five a day. Although nutritionists and doctors continue to espouse the supposed excellence of eating vegetables, we strongly believe just hanging around near them will also suffice.

Sure, there’s no evidence at all to support such a statement. But you don’t need facts when you’ve got instinct.

Vegetable Substitutes

We can also recommend a diet of what we’ve dubbed “nearly vegetables”. As in, foods that are sort of like veggies. But aren’t really veggies.

• Anything that’s green. Such as:
  • Green clothing
  • Bogeys
  • Snot
  • Mucus in general
  • Greenflies
  • Greenland
  • The Green Cross Code
• Porridge (it’s more like rubble/debris really, isn’t it? The same goes for muesli).
• Okra (it’s clearly some sort of alien species).
• Mud—despite what we wrote earlier, we guess it isn’t really a vegetable.

Okay, that’s your lot for today Kevin. Our general, friendly advice after this is to try to be less stupid in future.