Handstands at Work: Your Employees’ Rights

A cartoon man performing a handstand
“Sick, blud! I just got done for gross misconduct!”

Whilst handstands are a popular playground activity, there’s a school of thought suggesting it’s not appropriate behaviour for a working environment.

This can cause acrimony between you and your staff members, many of whom may desperately yearn to perform handstands before and after meetings, on lunch breaks, and throughout tasks.

How can you crack down on this activity? Read our full guide to ensure your workforce is always facing the right way up.

Can Employees Perform Handstands at Work?

No. This is a health and safety hazard that can lead to:

  • Dislocated wrists
  • Sprains
  • Wonky thumbs
  • Concussion
  • Decapitations
  • A sore neck

It’s important to make it clear you won’t tolerate handstands in your working environment.

You have the law on your side, as there are multiple Acts blocking this activity. Including the:

  • Handstands at Work Act 1971
  • Handstand Health and Safety at Work Act 1991
  • Precarious Balancing Acts at Work Act 1996
  • Employees Facing The Wrong Direction Whilst at Work Act 1996
  • Blood Pooling in the Skull Due to Handstands at Work Act 2010

There’s also the matter of the Alien Abduction From Work Act 1984. We include this in the event a handstand at work leads to alien abduction.

All of these prevent handstands from occurring at work.

However, enforcing the matter is an entirely different… matter. Entirely.

Your employees, being intellectually inferior vagabonds, will still attempt handstands whenever the mood takes them.

As such, you’ll need additional strict anti-handstand measures to ensure correct behaviour.

Workplace Measures to Block Handstands

A study by the International Handstand Association (IHA) in 2020 discovered performing handstands is as addictive as crack cocaine.

In its report (the IHA Handstand Report 2020) it stated:

“Performing handstands causes a rush of blood to the skull, resulting in a sense of euphoria. If your staff members are doing this during working hours, they would be more effective arriving to work inebriated.

The IHA documented 5,000 arbitrary employees from various industries, all of whom were instructed to perform as many handstands as they liked during the working day.

Of those 5,000, only 3,700 are still alive. And of the survivors, 3,600 are no longer employed. They were fired due to handstand addiction rendering them ineffective in their roles.

As for the surviving 100 still in gainful employment, we can only conclude these individuals are anomalies. Freaks of nature fortuitous enough to glide through existence unaffected by the horrors of handstands.”

It’s of utmost importance you take measures to ensure staff remain alive during your working hours.

You should set a handstand policy to ensure this remains the case. In it, explain the efforts you’re taking to control the issue. Such as:

  • Removing the arms and legs of handstand offenders (you’ll need to return them at the end of the working day—this is a legal requirement).
  • Covering your workplace floor with pins to prevent the activity.
  • Covering your workplace floor with hot ashes to prevent the activity.
  • Covering your employees’ hands with glue—anyone attempting a cadgy handstand will be stuck and caught red-handed.
  • Gunning down offenders with the company bazooka (a tried-and-tested technique).

Keep in mind that bazooka explosions create shrapnel that my damage your other employees, some of whom may not even like doing handstands.

As such, it’s advisable to use harsh tactics that only affect genuine offenders.

Notes on Headstands

Do note that, along with banning the aforementioned activity, you’ll also need to ban all headstands. These are extremely dangerous.

In the Handstand and Headstand (Miscellaneous) Act 2020, a ruling from the government determined the latter act (headstands) as punishable with the death penalty. It states:

“Headstands are a barbarous act and the work of Satan. This is not to be tolerated in any working environment.

Any business allowing this activity on their premises will be punishable to death by:

a) Hanging, drawing, and quartering.

b) Hanging.

c) The guillotine.

d) Scaphism.

e) Writing lines until dead.

This goes for both businesses and employees committing the sin. All will be oblierated by our wrath!”

There you have it, if an employee performs a headstand in your business environment then you’re all liable for execution.

So, behave yourselves! Get that policy in place ASAP.

10 comments

  1. I refuse!
    I only do headstands, and no one can take that away from me.
    Bazooka? Yeah, right! I have chainsaws and hand grenades. You see, a headstand allows free hands. So, don’t ef with me, Mr. Wapojif!!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

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