Ask Dr. Moron: “I have kneecap pattern balding!”

A footballer rolling on the pitch in pain clutching his kneecap
The terrible effects of kneecap pattern balding.

While there’s male pattern balding, there’s also a terrible affliction that affects the entire human race (including really short people).

It hits the lower extremities and, gradually over years, leads to bald kneecaps. It mortifies all who struggle with it, but… there is a cure! Read on for details.

The Horrors of Kneecap Pattern Balding

Disclaimer: We have zero medical training. Ignore our useless “advice”.

Hello. I'm Graeme. I'm 52. Until recently, I could walk out and about in shorts (or at the beach in my speedos) without fear of social humiliation and name calling. 

But now I can no longer do that (because of social humiliation and name calling). Why? Because I've got kneecap pattern balding. I had to break it carefully to the wife, but she's spent the last three months in counselling trying to recover from the shock. There's talk of her being sectioned. 

I've tried to keep things private and just get on with my life. 

I've not told work for fear of being sacked. I'm a store manager. It's a lot of responsibility. My employees look up to me. My bosses rely on me. The community expects me to deliver!

And how?! I feel like half the man I was! I mean, I went bald on my head way back in 1991. I got over that after four years in a recuperation ward. But I was young! I could hack it back then!

Now this. This! It's ruined my life. How can I honestly go to work in summer, a few months from now, in shorts and with bald kneecaps? The shame of it is killing me now. Help me please. Yours, Graeme

Hi, Graeme. Okay, so this is serious. You have our sympathies. Other than a brain transplant, there’s very little you can do here.

Other than try some black market kneecap hair growth medicines. There are a few available—we’ve heard favourable things about one called KHRZ1.

It’s got strong reviews on a black market product testimonial site. Check out this one from Barry in Southampton:

“I thought me life were over when me kneecaps went bald. But then I tried KHRZ1. The hair’s grown back three times over! Now I spend every day walking about in me speedos, even though it’s got me loads of police warnings for disturbing the peace and incitement to riot.”

Do note, there are side-effects from taking KHRZ1. Some of these are listed as:

  • Severe internal haemorrhaging (if you have an allergy to KRHZ1).
  • Sneezing fits—these last for 48 hours and can lead to whiplash.
  • Male pattern balding (ironic, eh? Although as you’re already bald, you’ll remain unaffected).
  • Chilbairns.
  • Scurvy.
  • Hysteria.

On that final note, takers of KHRZ1 have been observed screeching hysterically for hours at a time.

When asked what the problem is, they tend to keep on screeching.

So, it’s really up to you if you want to take these tablets. You have to insert them up your nostril of choice, then it passes through into the bloodstream.

The alternative is to accept your lot of showcase your hairless kneecaps.

Social reforms may take please in the decades ahead making it more socially acceptable. But, until then, you’re on your own, matey.


  1. Dear Graeme,
    I am not a doctor, or a hairdresser but I do work in film.
    There are several methods that the “Beauty Department” uses to conceal bald/balding kneecaps.
    1 – The kneecap toupee.
    2 – Eyebrow pencilling artistry
    3- A Cheese Grater (this needs to be done several days ahead of time. Simply shred all of the skin on your bald knees until there is a lot of blood. A few days later, large scabs will appear. You can chalk this up to some heroic experience, where your knees were dragged along by a car/truck/train, etc, while you were rescuing a child or beautiful woman)

    Liked by 1 person

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