Alien Abduction Diary #3: Aliens Seeking Garlic

After our hustling aliens disappointment recently, the most latest abduction tale appears to offer incredible insights into the beings from above.

This week, angry and aggressive aliens looking or garlic abducted an Earthling by mistake. The individual survived and has this story to tell.

Alien Abduction Diary #2: Mary Connor, 30, Chorley

Miss Connor was walking down a road when “huge bastard aliens” approached her from a side alley.

They inquired if she was garlic. To which she responded, “No, I don’t like garlic bread.” The aliens gave her a confused look and decided to abduct her. 

She was taken to their garlic-shaped spaceship and they blasted into space, 199 billion lightyears from Earth to a garlic-shaped planet. 

During the 30-minute journey, the aliens explained to her (in Scottish accents) their planet has no garlic and they’re really, really, really jealous of Earth’s supply.

Miss Connor asked why they’re so jealous if they’ve never even tasted garlic before, to which the aliens grew very angry and detonated a space bomb on an Earth-like biome 400,000 miles away from their planet. 

When she asked why they undertook such an action, the aliens detonated another bomb on the same planet.

Miss Connor asked again, to which the aliens and she repeated this endeavour for the next 20 minutes. 

In total, 150 bombs were detonated on the Earth-like planet. We must stress, of course, this wasn’t Earth. It was definitely an Earth-like planet. If it wasn’t, we’d definitely now all be dead.

Anyway, Miss Connor said she grew bored of the alien’s intimidation tactics and told them to take her back home. They duly complied. 

Type of Aliens

The aliens are “very tall” and muscly. After visiting the planet, Mary Connor believes there are at least “400 of the bastards”.

Due to the garlic shortages, the aliens are engaged in a brutal war of two sides. One with aliens who don’t believe garlic exists, the other with proof of its existence. 

As the aliens don’t have weapons (other than highly powerful explosives), they agree to partake in a war of words only. 

This mainly involves sending angrily worded letters to and fro, which causes a lot of fist waving frustration. But little limb shredding carnage.

So, thus far, there has only been one fatality in the Great Garlic War. 

And that happened after one of the aliens stubbed his toe on a space boulder and died on the spot from a class IV haemorraghe. What a massive snowflake. 

Alien Threat Level Rating

The garlic-loving aliens have a vast arsenal of severe bombs. But, otherwise, don’t seem to have worked out they could threaten Earth with them. 

They appear to be more interested in threatening Earth-like planets.

When Miss Connor asked them why this is the case, they informed her they don’t want to damage Earth. Because that’s where all the garlic is. 

She suggested they open a trade route with Earth as garlic businesses would happily exchange money for financial gain. 

The aliens were infuriated by this suggestion, detonating three more bombs on the same Earth-like planet. 

It turns out they don’t believe in money and just want garlic. For free. Miss Connor told us: 

“I called them a load of workshy, freeloading bastards trying to scrounge off the state. Their planet is proof that the problem with the world is lazy people who don’t work hard and take personal responsibility. That and garlic. Garlic causes a lot of problems I don’t think gets talked about enough.”

Miss Connor included a 5,000 polemic detailing her issues with garlic in an email to us answering our abduction questions. 

We may address this at a later date but, for now, we believe the alien freeloaders are relatively benign. 

As in, they’re all talk but are unlikely to blow Earth up. Because the garlic is all here. 

Miscellaneous Information

Despite being utterly garlic obsessed, the aliens do have other interests. They also love instant noodles, but are unaware they’re in abundance on our planet (Earth). 

It’s unclear how they know garlic and instant noodles exist. 

What do they eat? Miss Connor informed us they enjoy dining on space rocks, although it gives them piles. 

Alien Abduction Experience

Miss Connor didn’t enjoy her experience and found it annoying. She was particularly irritated by their fixation on garlic. 

The Expert Alien Abduction Verdict

After careful consideration, we believe Miss Connor to be telling the truth. 

It makes sense alien species would be jealous of the vegetables on Earth. As such, we highlight this encounter as further evidence of the array of alien life in the universe. 

However, it’s disappointing to note garlic appears to be in general low supply anywhere away from Earth. 

Should we journey to Mars anytime soon, that means no garlic bread. Which would be crap. 

One comment

Dispense with some gibberish!

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