After our first Alien Abduction Diary, the stories came flooding in from a passionate community of abductees.
Clearly, alien abductions are far more commonplace than we ever realised. And we’re here to rate the latest tale of interplanetary hoo-hah.
Alien Abduction Diary #2: Susan Smith, 65, Rochdale
Mrs. Smith was on her way home from Lidl supermarket at 7am when the aliens struck. They hovered over her in a large spaceship. She said, “37-mile wide, it were!”
Mrs. Smith wears glasses, so she may have exaggerated this slightly.
She claims the bright pink aliens came from the ship in dropdown step ladders, which swayed awkwardly in the wind.
They were bleating in high-pitched accents she didn’t recognise as English. But she said it “may have been Japanese, or summit”.
The abduction took around 20 minutes as the aliens struggled to steady the ladders in the strong Rochdale wind of that morning. Mrs. Smith said:
“I realised right away it were an alien abduction, but I didn’t panic. I’d been up drinkin’ gin all night so felt pretty calm to be honest. And I felt a bit sorry for the aliens, ‘cos they was flappin’ about in the wind and gettin’ a bit panicky. It were pretty hilarious to be honest and I were standin’ there in this empty street laughin’ at ’em, which really seemed to piss ’em off. Still makes me chuckle.”
Off on a tangent, but please refer to the following link in understanding Northern British dialect. This goes for non-Brits and any aliens reading this.
Mrs. Smith was eventually grabbed by one of the aliens and yanked up into the spaceship.
Type of Aliens
The aliens are from the planet #3456ZXY, which is an exonym. The aliens call their home planet Maureen. That’s the closest possible English translation.
It’s 57 billion lightyears from Earth. However, the aliens didn’t take Mrs. Smith further than the Moon.
During her abduction, she was led into a large warehouse full of plush toys. There the aliens attempted to sell her discounted goods at cheap, cheap prices. As Mrs. Smith put it:
“They was there to haggle with me. But their hustle was pretty crap to be honest with you. They’d try and sell me, like, a space lizard cuddly toy with its innards ‘angin’ out of its mouth that smells like slime and I were like, ‘No, I don’t want that, mate. It’s proper disgustin’!’ They got pretty angry about that and threatened me with space lasers.”
Mrs. Smith stuck to her guns and refused to back down. After persistent haggling, the aliens were able to sell one of the toys with a 90% discount.
On returning to Earth, the toy disintegrated and so we haven’t seen any evidence of the product.
Mrs. Smith told us, “Three quid down the drain. It’s a cryin’ shame.”
All in all, she spent three hours with the aliens and spent £5, as she also bought some space crisps off the aliens as she was a bit peckish.
Alien Threat Level Rating
The aliens pose no immediate threat to the survival of the human race.
However, if you’re irritated by inane and rudimentary forms of business hustle then they may well prove a minor nuisance.
Despite our best efforts, we couldn’t find the alien’s shop online. No matter how many times we Googled for it.
There are also no social media accounts.
This further highlights the amateur nature of this alien business and how they could do with taking a degree in modern marketing or business management.
Alien Abduction Experience
Mrs. Smith says she didn’t mind the alien abduction, but was disappointed she missed most of This Morning on ITV because of the experience.
She suggests other aliens trying to hawk their wares should choose more socially acceptable hours, rather than whatever time chooses them.
“I didn’t mind it ‘cos they was a funny lookin’ lot. Really bright pink. Like Mr. Blobby, you know? But they was more shaped like potatoes than a blob. Maybe they’re related in some way, I dunno.”
The Expert Alien Abduction Verdict
After reviewing this case multiple times, we must question whether this incident was an alien abduction at all.
Mrs. Smith was merely taken to business premises where a transaction took place.
As such, we’re closing this case as a tedious business dealing as opposed to a terrifying intergalactic endeavour.