Clapping at Work: Rules on Celebrating Things

There can come a time in any business’s life where a celebration of some form must take place. This can result in workplace clapping.

It’s essential to follow the correct protocol for this endeavour. Too much clapping could result in insubordination and gross misconduct.

Too little and workplace morale will plunge, rendering your employees moribund and useless.

In this guide, we’re here to help you balance out your clapping policies.

Why Do You Need To Clap At Work?

There can be many reasons to clap heartily in a working environment. These can include:

  • Someone getting a promotion.
  • Someone getting fired.
  • Applause to celebrate a company milestone.
  • As mocking disdain for a colleague.
  • An arbitrary round of applause for no reason.

The upsides to workplace clapping include:

  • A sense of joie de vie.
  • Clapping is fun.
  • Clapping is exercise.
  • It can drown out employee bodily functions.

The downsides to workplace clapping include:

  • Time spent clapping is time spent away from working.
  • It can induce tinnitus.
  • If an employee doesn’t have any arms they’ll feel excluded.
  • It can promote the feeling of life at a circus (as in, your business looks like one big joke).

And your business most definitely is not a joke! Whether you’re selling an app about stupid animal noises or novelty t-shirts to a core demographic of weirdo losers, your business is essential.

And clapping can get in the way of that! That’s why you need some policies.

Your Clapping at Work Company Policy

The law on this is governed by the Clapping at Work Act 2015, the introduction of which was to ensure workplace clapping didn’t crash the economy.

It’s estimated that £3.4 billion is lost annually due to employees taking time to clap for one reason or another.

Indeed, it’s also estimated some 3,000 hours of working time are lost annually to allow employees to clap, for example, when a colleague returns to work after a bone crunching accident.

The Clapping at Work Act 2015 states:

“Clapping at work is often a sign of early onset insubordination, as it indicates a willingness to shirk work in favour of standing and striking the palms of one’s hands together.

The employees indulging in this activity with much vigour may secretly be harbouring a desire to sprain their wrist, whereupon they can take your business to court through an employment tribunal for gross negligence.”

To avoid such an outcome, it’s wise to instigate your workplace clapping policy. This should indicate one of the following:

  1. You allow clapping in your working environment.
  2. You tolerate clapping in your working environment, so long as no one takes the piss.
  3. You don’t allow clapping in your working environment.

If you don’t want to allow it, you’ll need to provide a thorough explanation of why this is the case.

You should state clearly in your policy what your reasons are (such as you fear your workforce will crumble due to endless sprained wrists).

Back this up with a long and rambling company-wide email elucidating on why you think clapping isn’t the bees knees.

It’s irrelevant whether you think your argument is coherent or not—what matters is you’re the boss.

No matter how delusional you are, your employees must follow your every word. So, state something such as:

“We will not be tolerating any sort of clapping at work, due to the connotations clapping has for the STI the clap. You all know what I mean there.

Please refrain from clapping at all costs or you will face gross misconduct for inducing this depravity into the business.

If you wish to celebrate something, please do so in a cordial and creative manner.

We encourage our employees to indulge in breakdancing, handstands at work, or hearty exhortations.

By which I mean making announcements such as, ‘Jolly good show!’ etc. Do not, under any circumstances, accompany such statements with a round of applause. You have been warned.”

On a final note, you can introduce a policy of hobbling in the event any staff member breaches your rules.

However, this is illegal as it’s grievous bodily harm. But your employee may not know that, so there’s a decent chance you can get away with it.

One comment

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