Fireworks at Work: The Rules on Controlled Workplace Explosions

Employees holding indoor sparklers near the American flag
“Hurray! It’s Monday morning! Let’s celebrate with sparklers!”

Detonating things in the working environment is not a state of affairs business owners aspire to. As such, you should endeavour to keep explosives out of the workplace.

And this includes fireworks. Although some employees could argue they’re part of any good celebration, you can point to Bob from accounts who’s just had his fingers singed by an indoor sparkler.

Indeed, as with chewing gum at work, fireworks must not be tolerated in your business. To achieve that, read this guide to enforce many draconian policies.

Ensuring There Are No Explosions At Work

Under the Detonating Stuff at Work Act 1971, it’s your business’ duty of care to stop employees from detonating “stuff” at work.

This type of “stuff” in the workplace is defined as:

  • Atom bombs
  • Bombs
  • Bazookas
  • Fireworks
  • Fizzy drinks (i.e. shaking them up and opening them)
  • Sparklers
  • Grenades
  • Land mines
  • Champagne bottles (except on special occasions).

Under section 333.2 of the Act, “special occasions” are determined as:

  • Notable promotions.
  • Notable demotions.
  • If the business is shutting down and you no longer need to give a shit.

In the Act, the law indicates:

“Employees should be discouraged from bringing explosives into your workplace. Items such as bombs, grenades, bazookas, and fireworks can reduce productivity in the event they go off.

Furthermore, explosions at work can result in injury to employees.

Unfortunately, even the most skilled member of staff cannot complete their role to a satisfactory extent if their entrails have been blasted out of their body and lie splattered on the floor.

Do note, such an incident also represents a slipping hazard. So your cleaning staff will need to place a slipping hazard sign near the blood and guts.

This will ensure there are no further injuries. Such as a slip on the entrails, a fall, and a resulting shattered skull.”

Make sure your staff members are aware of this. Hand out a leaflet explaining the above.

You can also show them an instructional government video, replete with hyper-realistic blood splattering incidents to terrify your employees to their very core.

Rules on Fireworks At Work

Regardless of your policies, some maverick employees may still decide to bring fireworks onto your premises.

These may include rockets, fountains, Roman candles, and/or sparklers.

If you find any employees flouting your rules, haul them off for a disciplinary hearing. During this, you can prod the offending employee with sticks and call them naughty names.

Suggestions for this activity include:

  • Fuddy-duddy.
  • Poopy pants.
  • Silly billy.
  • Stupid features.
  • Stupid wupid.
  • Dumbo.

This mental torture will be too much for the employee, who’ll suffer a nervous breakdown and vow never to flout your rules ever again.

Are Sparklers at Work Punishable By Death?

Yes, bringing sparklers into work can result in summary execution by one of the following:

  • Hanging, drawing, and quartering.
  • Guillotine.
  • Suffocation by cheese.
  • Being blasted from a cannon into a Reliant Robin.

You should strip search all employees upon their arrival at work to ensure they’re not storing any sparklers on their person.

Be thorough in your checks. For example, make sure no employees have stuffed the sparklers up their nostrils as a hiding place.

Conclusion: Detonations Are Not Productive

Picture the scene. It’s a busy office day and your workforce is slaving away on the subpar wages you’re propping them up with.

Then, suddenly, BOOM! John from marketing brought in a bag of rockets and he’s accidently set them all off!

That then triggers off Barbara in account’s bag of fountains!! Before you know it, explosions are triggering tinnitus all around, the building is on fire, everyone is burning, and your business is in ruins!!!

This all too common scenario has floundered many a burgeoning (and established) organisation.

As such, it’s up to you, the employer, to avoid this outcome using as many psychotic measures as possible.

3 comments

Have some gibberish to dispense with?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.